THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN
IN FEBRUARY, 2015.
Past couple
of weeks have been interesting in here. There’s been the security audit – a
sham of a process where everything looks good for a few days; then the “system”
goes back to normal and cluster rules the day again. There have been fights,
dirty urines, new tattoos, more weed, more tobacco, no bagels on commissary,
even after 22 day stretches. Days pass … but it’s like the movie “Groundhog
Day;” you’ve seen it all before. The shifts change, the rules are rewritten,
and then everything returns to how it was: poorly run.
What breaks
the monotony? Super Bowl for one thing. In my former life there was always a
Super Bowl party. First, at our house with twenty or more friends and the table
packed with food and drinks. Later years, there was Vegas – special invitation
to high roller casino parties with more food and drink than is imaginable.
Beautiful women everywhere. It was hedonism to the nth degree. Then came
arrest, and lock up, and the Super Bowl didn’t matter until …
I got here.
Sports matter inside; and, the Super Bowl is celebrated in here just like on
“the street.” It is an event that allows you to feel part of everybody else.
You’re doing the same thing everyone else is.
Food is
everywhere: Pizzas, dips, nachos, wraps, cheesecakes, banana puddings, snack
mix; it’s all here and it’s all made “fresh” (as fresh as prepackaged foods can
be when mixed with Ramen and Rice and block cheese). Hours upon hours guys line
up for access to the microwaves. Meatballs, pepperoni, bacon, ham, roast beef –
the smells fill the air. Popcorn, cheese doodles, Fritos, Doritos – chips are
unbagged and placed on newspaper. Kick off and tickets: bets for a dozen lines
with quarter boards (1 soup equals 1 pick) flood the room. It’s loud and
exciting and as close to “not here” as you can get. And as the game progresses
into the 4th quarter every eye is on the field. Nothing can break
the feeling except “Count Time. TVs off.” It’s 9:30 count and for five minutes
the building is silent and we remember, we are still inside … Football and the
Super Bowl, they remind you of what is beyond here.
Then, winter
hits. First the arctic blast – it’s 0° and no rec is called. The snow starts
and by Tuesday we have over six inches. No school. Stuck in the building, you
read, watch TV; some play cards or bones (dominoes). You watch the news and
again you’re reminded the world outside, real life, is so much like yours in
here. They can’t keep the weather out. They try and take away your dignity,
truth, self-respect, freedom. But those things, like the weather, find their
way in here.
The
playwright Eugene O’Neil, remarked that “Man is born broken. He lives by
mending. The grace of God is glue.”
As I walk
out the door and head down the boulevard to chow I think instead that the grace
of God is snow. It is cold - 5° with the wind chill – and it is pristine and it
is quiet; and it pierces the despair that is life behind bars. Winter, contrary
to so many poets’ words, really is a fresh season, a new beginning. Keep your
spring; I’ll take Super Bowl and snow and running shirtless with my breath
hanging in the air. Prison has no answer for winter.