All in Your Head

It was bitterly cold here the other morning.  The temperature, in the upper thirties, along with wind gust hitting thirty-five miles per hour made it feel even colder.  But like so many other days with lousy, frigid weather, my friend DC and I went out to run and workout.  Neither of us wore sweats.  And it was cold.  Once I got moving, I forgot about the chill, but it still took awhile to get use to.

We both headed in on a door break and guys looked at us like we were crazy.  “How can you go out there like that?” one guy asked DC.  He smiled and said “It’s all in your head”.  His words got me thinking.

Perhaps there is no better known Hymn in America than “Amazing Grace”.  That song crosses generations, races and denominations.  Something about the words, “saved a retch like me” – most of us don’t even know what a retch is – just resonates with us.  We claim it corporately; it’s a deeply personal, moving song that somehow makes sense to everyone.

Yet, the history behind the song is more profound.  John Newton was a British slave ship captain.  He’d made a number of cross-Atlantic trips from Africa, to the Caribbean, to the Eastern seaboard of the American colonies, then finally back to London.  Each trip was the same:  human cargo piled in cramped, filthy ship holds to the islands and colonies, and then crops and products back to England.

It was a good life.  He was paid well and regarded with respect by this peers.  In the eyes of society he was a success.  His life, however, took an abrupt turn on one return trip from the colonies.  Off the coast of Carolina, near Hatteras, Newton’s ship was caught in a horrendous storm.  The ship was forced onto the rocks and began to break apart.

It was dark.  The wind howled.  The rain poured down.  And, Newton’s ship cracked and tore open as the sea’s waves slammed it over and over against the jagged rocks.  Newton knew he was going to die.  This life-long member of the Church of England, a good loyal subject of the King and country, knew he would drown.  In those hours of fear and desperation he prayed not just to live through the night but also he faced God with his life.  He realized what a sinful life he led.  And, he asked his God to forgive him.

The next morning, he awoke to find calm seas and his ship still there on the rocks.  The sky around him was blue.  The sun shone.  He realized God had spared his life.  He wasn’t sure why, but he knew, God’s hand was in his life.

Sometime later, Newton penned the song “Amazing Grace”, built around his survival that night in the storm.  He returned to England, resigned his ship captaincy, and began a career as a church worker.  He was one of the driving forces in Britain’s decision to outlaw slavery.  For the remainder of his life he tried to understand the mystery that was his God.  He was saved for a reason.

This past week, I finished reading major league pitcher RA Dickey’s autobiography, “Wherever I Wind Up”.  It is not a typical sports story.  Dickey’s career has had more than its share of ups and downs.  To describe him as a journeyman pitcher would be an understatement.  He went from Olympic team member and first round draft pick to the minor league circuit, barely hanging on, occasionally getting called up.

He carried great secrets, baggage.  Sexually abused as a child, he presented the image of a happy, faithful husband and father.  Infidelity almost cost him his marriage.  An inability to throw effectively almost cost him his dreams.  He was separated from his wife, on the minor-league circuit, barely making enough to support himself and his family when he bet some teammates he could swim across the Missouri River.  He tried…and almost drowned. 

It was the beginning of a new life for Dickey.  His pitching improved. His marriage began to rebuild as he dealt with the pain and torment caused by his abuse.  Last year, Dickey won 20 games and the National League Cy-Young award.   Dickey’s book opens with the Latin maxim.  “Dum, spiro, spero”, which means “While I breathe, I hope.”

The human mind is indeed a funny thing.  It is capable of great thoughts, powerful, merciful, healing thoughts.  It is also capable of great evil.  “It’s all in your head”.  My friend DC doesn’t understand how truly insightful his words are.

In “Forever Young”, the classic ballad written by Bob Dylan, a father tells his children all his wishes for their future.  As I’ve written before, just moments after both my sons were born, as I held them for the first time and looked on the God-given miracle that is life, I whispered Dylan’s words to them as though by reciting them they would be imprinted with those characteristics of righteousness, mercy and courage.  One line, “May you always know the truth and see the light surrounding you”, would cause me to choke up, perhaps because I wanted desperately to feel that light around me.

I have come to see life in a new way in here, surrounded by men with lives so broken, angry, and lost.  In reality, they’re no different than anyone else.  We all have baggage and it builds up, weighs us down, and eventually we find ourselves pushed against the rocks.

There are days in here when I just can’t make sense out of what these men do.  I see utter mayhem in Syria, I see the tiny white coffins in Newtown, and I wonder what is going on.  None of it – my own feelings included – makes sense.   It is as if the whole world is drowning.  Then, I remember the season, Christmas, a time of hope, and I think RA Dickey was right.  “Dum, spiro, spero.”

“It’s all in your head.”  After finishing my workout I always stretch.  I lay down on the concrete, close my eyes, and recite Bible verses as I loosen my legs.  I lay there, eyes closed, saying in a whisper the words from the final four verses of Isaiah 40.  I memorized those verses my first week in jail as I struggled with my very survival.  They are words of hope and encouragement for a people who thought their God wasn’t seeing their loss and pain.  Isaiah reminded his people that God heard their cries.  “The everlasting God, the Lord, does not grow weary or tired….”  And then he reminded everyone that those who wait on the Lord will be given new strength.  “They will soar on wings like eagles.”

“Look at that, Larry.”  It was DC.  Directly overhead was a huge eagle, wings spread wide.  He was floating on the air currents circling round and round our ball court and rec yard.  He never flapped his wings; just soared.

Was it a sign?  I don’t know.  I know there are a lot of things wrong right now.  People are hurting – in here and out there.  So many are suffering.  Lives out of control with divorce and rejection, war, violence, loneliness.  But at this particular moment in time I choose to look elsewhere.  “It’s all in your head.”  There is good news.  Dum, spiro, spero.  While I breathe, I hope.  And hope will see us through.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

 

The Force of Wilber

I have been reading “Amazing Grace” this week.  It is the extraordinary true story of British member of Parliament William Wilberforce who led his nation to abolish slavery.  It is remarkable that this one man, by the sheer force of his faith changed his entire country’s view of what morality, what righteousness, truly means.
Most people know the story of the Hymn “Amazing Grace”.  British slave ship captain John Newton watches as his ship is crushed against the rocks off Hatteras during a hurricane.  He is convinced he will die, drowning in the churning waters of the Atlantic.  His life, he realizes, has been a complete mess.  He calls out to God.  And God hears and delivers this loathsome retch.  The song doesn’t immediately come.  Newton has to figure out what “it” all means.  Why did he survive?  He comes to understand how broken he truly is, but even broken he is not beyond God’s amazing life altering grace.

William Wilberforce as a young boy met the “saved” John Newton and through that friendship would use his faith to lead the British people in a new direction.  As author Eric Metaxas notes: 

“Americans have an outsized tendency to romanticize the past…life in eighteenth-century Britain was particularly brutal, decadent, violent and vulgar.  Slavery was only the worst of a host of societal evils that included epidemic alcoholism, child prostitution, child labor, frequent public executions for petty crimes, public dissections and burnings of executed criminals and unspeakable public cruelty to animals.”

English society during Newton’s and Wilberforce’s days was, simply put, immoral.  But before we get too comfortable thinking “that’s not us,” consider the following from the author commenting on how the British allowed such social immorality and evil to exist in their society.

“Just as most Americans today have never visited a slaughterhouse to investigate the grim details of how large animals become the shrink-wrapped frankfurters in their supermarkets, nor have witnessed the degradation and violence of life among the two million people incarcerated in our prisons, so most Britons went about their lives with no idea of the universe of horrors that existed….”

William Wilberforce believed God intended people to live in a different way than in the brutality of life he saw in British society.  And, it wasn’t just words with him.  He was a wealthy, carefree young man who suddenly had an epiphany, a life altering moment.  He was never the same.  He began living frugally, donating his wealth to the less fortunate.  And, he spearheaded abolition.

By the force of his faith Britain went from a degrading, course, violent society to one where decency became common place.  It didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t easy.  Wilberforce had to fight the conventional wisdom of his day, particularly the Church of England which, the author notes, “was little more than a pseudo-Christian purveyor of government sponsored institutionalized hypocrisy.”

No one today would even attempt to argue that slavery is somehow justified.  Yet, before we get smug about how far we’ve advanced, consider the current state of our society.  How much different are we really from eighteenth century Britain?

The United States incarcerates more people in sheer number and per capita, than any other country in the world.  All those despots, all those tyrants together couldn’t come up with two million people in prison.  Even China, with one billion plus citizens does not have two million incarcerated people.

And, the prisons are abysmal.  They are filthy, violent, degrading places.  They are filled with many people suffering from mental illness and substance abuse problems.  The American prison system is deplorable, immoral and without any redeeming social value.

We, as a nation, pride ourselves on our national morality.  Many people often claim we are a “Christian” nation.  Well to be Christian implies we are “Christ like”.  I have repeatedly posed the question in this blog “What would Jesus do/say?”  Would Jesus have raised an American flag and shouted “USA” when he heard that OBL was shot?  I don’t think so.  Nor do I think Jesus would look at the current sate of America’s prison system (I refuse to use the Orwellian term “corrections”) and say “you’ve got it right America.”  Somehow I think He would tell us to love, forgive and show mercy; three things that are in terribly short supply in this nation, in this world, in each of us.  Like the example He set with the adulterous woman, He would tell us to build a corrections system that measures the remorse and regret of the wrongdoer and “corrects” by knowing we are all wrongdoers.  We all deserve a second chance.

“Anonymous in Alaska” took me to task for comparing POW’s to inmates.  “POW’s were fighting for our freedom”, she wrote.  “Alaska”, criminality is in the eye of the injured.  Ask a German family their feelings as they sat in Dresden in 1944 as the entire city was incinerated by U.S. firebombing at a loss of civilian life in excess of the nuclear bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  There was no military objective in that attack.

Ask the 100,000 Iraqi dead, “collateral damage”, in our “liberation” of Iraq if they think this country’s behavior was justified?  How about the Vietnamese women and children butchered at Mylar or just napalmed during a bombing run?  What reaction would you get from Native Americans to the massacre at Wounded Knee?  Read Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables.  Read Grisham’s The Confession.

What “Alaska” missed – what Newton and Wilberforce came to understand – is that we turn a blind eye to the evil and injustice that permeates our lives.  We hold ourselves out with self righteous pride about our goodness because we live our lives in a state of relative morality.  How else can a guy like me explain away being such a liar to the woman I love and took an oath before God to love, honor and cherish?  In relative terms, I was a pretty good husband, pretty good guy.  In truth – in the absolute truth of God’s judgment – I am a filthy, despicable sinful retch.

The amazing thing about that is God doesn’t give up on me or anyone else.  He calls us to live as He intends us to live; showing mercy, compassion, forgiveness and love.

That’s the epiphany John Newton had on that sinking slave ship.  That was the driving force behind Wilberforce’s campaign.  That is why I rail against prisons and pray each day for my ex’s happiness.  We all can do better.  Morality is not relative, and neither is grace.