Dear Anonymous

I received a print copy of your 10/20 response to a recent blog about a “typical” week here.  I’ve been busy teaching my own class (yes, they’ve given me some independence to get guys ready for the GED!) and thinking about the election, but your comments deserve a response.

First, I appreciate you reading my blog.  When I started it two and a half years ago, my goal was to connect – in some way – with the outside world.  Too often, prison – with its security apparatus and “scarlet letter” understanding that “bad people are behind the fence” – isolates and alienates those incarcerated.  Simply put, we forget what its like out there.  Twenty-four seven we are watched and cared for.  We lose connection with decision making and those things that should matter in your daily life.

Compounding that, most people locked up come from less than desirable lives.  Drug and alcohol abuse, broken homes, poverty, lack of education, lack of stable employment, the list of social ills that most of the incarcerated have lived through is enough to teach graduate level sociology.  And I don’t say that to make excuses for people’s decisions. But, until we as a nation have the collective will to – as the words of the U.S. Constitution so eloquently state it, “provide for the general welfare” – tackle the manifest despair in poor, broken families, we will fail as a nation.  That’s not a Republican or Democrat idea.  If anything, it’s part of my faith journey.  “Am I my brother’s keeper?”  After four and a half years in here, the answer is a heartfelt “yes”.

As for your boyfriend not “sharing” the world in here, I understand that and I hope you do to.  I’ve noted and told self described “tough guys” in here that they aren’t so tough.  Many men refuse to admit they’re scared, or lonely, or just tired and ready to quit.  In here, that is a sign of weakness.  And too often weakness will get you in trouble.  I have something that counters the toughest.  From the day I was arrested inmates knew I’ been a lawyer, knew I had multiple degrees.  Knowledge, education trumps all the rest.  They fear that their ignorance will be exposed.

Your boyfriend keeps you from the “real” prison because, frankly, it’s not pretty.  For most, it is nothing but a waste of time and money.  And sometimes inmates behave in ways they know are wrong.  Getting by, getting along, sometimes is the best approach.

James Lee Burke is one of my favorite American authors.  He understands broken men better than many.  In one novel his protagonist said “the bravest and most loyal and loving people in the world seldom have heroic physical characteristics or the aura of saints.”

I love those words.  They remind me that you can be decent even in a depressed place like this, and love, friendship and loyalty can survive even prison.  I know that in my own life.  I am blessed to have a wonderful group of friends “outside” who have loved and upheld me in the worst of days.

As for your generous comments about my ex, I have a certain sad ambivalence about my divorce.  At some point in this past four and a half years, I had my “Lt. Dan” moment.  I yelled at God and demanded to know why, why was my punishment worse than my sin?  And it hit me.  God is sovereign.  He knows more than I ever will.  And if I truly have faith I have to accept the divorce, the rejection, the loss, as part of His plan to make me to be what He sees.

I hurt, I ache over the loss.  Fact is, I will always love her.  But, it’s OK.  In this – as in every part of this journey I realize I’m not alone and there are amazing lessons – and stories – for me.

Keep reading.  Keep the faith.  And, thanks for your comments.