Ten Years After (2)

It is one week until the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attack of 9/11, “the day that changed America”.  As I sit here in this prison dormitory I recognize how much my own life changed.  On 9/11 I was an in-house attorney for a large, Virginia headquartered property and casualty insurer.  I was “happily” married to my college sweetheart.  We were the stereotypical upper income, white American couple with two “perfect” sons, a “perfect home”, a “perfect” life.  After the attack, all that would be tested.  I was sure what our country needed to do.  I was equally sure what I needed to do.  Ten years after, I confess I was wrong on almost every count.

Just as I sold my soul to prove some vague, abstract point about love, commitment and family, so too did America after 9/11.  We are not a better nation for our reaction to 9/11.  America has lost its moral framework.  We were wrong in our reaction to the evil foisted upon us; we are wrong for our behavior – at home and abroad.  I fear the lives lost that day and in the years since in Afghanistan and Iraq will be for nothing.  As Judy Collins mournfully sang, “When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn?”

Luke, in his Gospel, recounts Jesus speaking to the multitudes.   Over and over the Savior says “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you; bless those who curse you; pray for those who mistreat you; give to everyone who asks you… “He calls on his followers to forgive, show mercy.  And then He brings forward these words:

“You call me ‘Lord, Lord’, and do not do what I say.” 

In other words, we talk a good game, but we don’t put our money where our mouth is.

 A few years ago a deranged gunman broke into an Amish schoolhouse and shortly thereafter brutally murdered a number of young Amish girls.  What was the reaction in the Amish community?  They prayed for the dead gunman and wrapped his family in compassion and mercy.

I was all in favor of obliterating Afghanistan.  I bought into the doctrine that you are either “with us or against us”.  Arrest foreign nationals and hold them without trial?  No problem.  Torture to get information?  I’m OK with that.  Kill thousands of men, women and children in Afghanistan and Iraq – “collateral damage” – in the name of winning the war on terror?  Small price to pay for “safety”.  That was all “PI Larry” (pre-incarceration Larry).  Now I see my country:  the one $17 trillion in debt where 46 million people need food stamps, where over 2.3 million people are behind bars, the vast majority of which are locked up for nonviolent crimes – and I ask what of our founding declarations that all “men” are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, among them life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?  Wonderful words, but just words if we are willing to sell our collective soul for safety and fail to show mercy.

Politicians get standing ovations for demanding that the Ten Commandments be posted in schools and offices to remind us of our “Judeo-Christian” heritage.  But, I wonder what would Jesus say about our reaction to 9/11?  What do we make of His Sermon on the Mount, His call to forgive “seven times seventy”?  We talk a good game but we fall way, way short.

On 9/11, as I detailed in other blogs, I consoled my then wife as she sobbed, worried our sons would be drawn into some worldwide conflagration.  We made love that night, two people trying to cling to innocence in a world seemingly gone mad. Shortly after, in an attempt to “prove” our life would be better after the attack, I began stealing increasingly larger sums of money.  I had stolen before – then always to gain some psychological response of love and appreciation from my “soulmate” who deep down – I knew didn’t feel for me what I felt for her.  After 9/11 I was determined to have it all!

Ironically, as I sit in here I see the same convulsive behavior in my country.  Why did they hate us so?  We asked after 9/11.  And then immediately we retaliated, launching attacks aimed at eliminating the danger. 

But danger can’t be totally eliminated.  We will always face the risk of someone – anyone – trying to do the unthinkable.  Much like I had to learn that I couldn’t make someone feel what I needed, we need to learn there is not absolute safety.  There is pestilence, natural disasters and the occasional sociopath lurking.  But if we truly believe in God, then we know we are called to be strong and courageous.  We are not to fear, though “the mountains fall in the sea”.  God is our help; not B1 bombers, not drones, nor laser technology.  We can’t violate our own core principles in the name of security.

I read a piece in the September issue of “Esquire” concerning a Sudanese man captured and held at Guantanamo Bay for ten years.  He was held chained and naked in a freezing cell for days on end; hands chained above his head, hands and feet chained to the floor; denied access to counsel.  Is this justice?  Is this an appropriate response?  Should this be tolerable in America?  This alleged “mastermind” (who coincidentally is uneducated and speaks no English) was eventually given a 34 month sentence (that’s right – 34 months).  

I have witnessed firsthand the barbarism and unjust circumstances of prison.  A just, compassionate society can do better.  As I sit here, I wish we as a nation had done things differently.  I wish I had acted differently.

There is a Bible parable I return to often as I struggle to make sense of my life.  At the end of Luke’s version of the Sermon on the Mount he records the savior telling His followers to hear the words and act on them.  They will be “like the man who dug his foundation on the rocks. And when the flood came and the torrents burst against the house” it could not be shaken.

The part that so intrigues me in the story says “when the flood” comes, not “if”.  Faith is like that house on the rock.  Troubles are inevitable in our individual and collective lives. But by faith, we are sustained.  My marriage, I realized, was not built on a strong foundation.  Love and commitment were mere shifting sand.   The rule of love, opposition to torture?  Those deeply held “virtues” of America’s psyche were also cast in sand.

Ten years later and what have we learned?  Is war ever justified?  Is torture ever acceptable?  Does safety trump freedom?

A poet/songwriter once wrote a piece comparing America, his America, to a wayward love.  She was breaking his heart because she couldn’t see how beautiful she was; she didn’t understand how her behavior was killing him.  Ten years after 9/11, divorced, alone in prison, I look at my country and I understand what he meant.  The past ten years have not been kind to her.

Holy Moses! A Running Insight

I was out getting my laps in on Sunday morning and thinking, as I usually do, about the Bible passages I read at 4:00 am.  I was a guy who in my past life, my “good” life, thought I understood everything there was to pretty much any subject.  And religion was no exception.  I’d sit in church every Sunday and run intellectual jousting matches in my mind with the minister’s sermons.

Perhaps one of the very good things in having gone through this is all that arrogance and self-assurance has been stripped bare.  I never believed people were “born again”.  That misconception was stripped away from me in the fear and despair of a jail cell.

Still, I never cease to be amazed at the relevance of my morning reading on my current circumstances.  Such was the case Sunday as I lapped around the gravel track.

The story is pretty simple.  The Israelites have left the bondage of Egypt.  God has parted the Dead Sea to make their escape and prove His power.  He’s provided water when they were thirsty and “manna” – food – when they hungered.  The Israelites are camped at the base of God’s Holy Mountain.  Moses heads up the mountain to talk to the “Big Guy”.  He tells his brother Aaron – the chief priest – to keep everything as is.  “I’ll be back in a little while.”  Off goes Moses with his trusted charge, Joshua.

And what happens?  Moses’ tent flap isn’t even fully closes when “the people” decide he’s gone forever, never to return.  “We’re in the middle of nowhere.  Do something!” they shout at Aaron.  “Make us a new God to lead us.”  Aaron does just that.  They take gold and make a calf idol and then have a huge party.

Meanwhile, up on the mountain, somewhere into his forty day visit, Moses is given God’s laws.  The Ten Commandments.  And God let’s Moses in on a little news:  the Israelites have made a gold idol in place of God.  God, understandably, is pissed.  “That’s it.  I’m wiping them all out.  I’ll find another chosen people.”

Imagine God, having performed miracle after miracle for the Israelites and every time a little difficulty arises they immediately act out of impatience and show they have no faith in His promises.  They turn to idols instead of God.   As I ran, over and over I thought “impatience”, and reacting, turning to idols instead of quietly, faithfully trusting in God’s promises.

But then Moses does something extraordinary.  He talks, really talks, to God.  He spoke to God as a friend and asks him “Let me handle this.  Don’t give up on these people.”  And God heard him.  God said “OK Moses, we’ll do things your way.”  Can you even imagine just talking to God like you would your best friend and God saying “OK, I hear  you.”

The story continues with Moses and Joshua carrying the stone tablets back and Moses sees the Israelites, his people, running around a golden idol in lust and immorality and he snaps.  He’s so angry he throws the stone tablets and breaks them.  He finds Aaron and says “what the hell is going on?”  And Aaron whines and tells him “they made me do it.”  Moses ends up getting a handful of righteous guys together and they slaughter 3000 of their fellow Israelites who were leading the orgy.  Moses can’t believe it.  He had done everything he could to get his people to the Promised Land and look how they acted!

He tells them to go into mourning and repent and he heads back up the mountain.  This time, having another conversation with God, he has to convince Him to keep leading “His people”.

My mind played through this story over and over as I ran.  See, the past few weeks I’d been running more, as if some way I could outrun the disappointment and hurt I was feeling about being replaced in my family and with so many of my friends.  I figured if I just ran long enough all that junk would dissolve into laps.  As I ran Sunday, the story kept rewinding.  What did it all mean?

Impatience.  Things happen and human nature tells us to “act”.  “There’s no time to waste.”  Unhappy in your circumstances?  Disappointed with your spouse?  Do something.  Except, over and over God says “Hold on.  Be patient.  Have faith.”  Too often, we react, take matters into our own hands and rationalize the consequences.  Whether it’s justifying stealing $2 million, or divorcing your spouse of 28 years, we act based on our finite understanding of the circumstances instead of saying “OK God.  I’ll ride this out.  I’ll wait on you.”

And our answer to our problems almost always involves creating an idol.  We find comfort for our decisions in things:  new cars, vacations, shopping sprees, or in our self-righteous attitude, “Look how well I’m doing!” or we rationalize our less than Godly behavior “Of course I had to divorce her.  I need to be fulfilled.”  And things get worse.

Then there are the other two parts of the story that hit me as well.  The first was Moses’ anger.  He spends all this time convincing God to let him handle things and he sees everything he worked for in shambles and he reacts and smashes God’s law to pieces.  Anger destroys.

And then there was Moses talking to God.  God spoke to him as a friend.  What an image.  God saying “talk to Me Moses.  Tell Me what you think.”  It’s funny, but in my worst days I would go out and run and just tell God what a mess everything was.  I’d tell him how much I was struggling and, within the day, either a verse would spring up, or a letter would arrive that would let me know God was saying “I’m with you.”

So what did I learn on my Sunday run?  To be patient.  God will handle things in His time and in His own way.  My responsibility is to be patient, trust Him and keep talking to Him.

And there’s one other thing I was reminded of.  Anger solves nothing.  Love, on the other hand, never quits.  Love never gives up.

The actress Jodie Foster made a remarkable statement the other day about her close relationship with the embattled Mel Gibson.  Foster, an atheist said more about a Christ like approach to relationships than anything I’ve seen in a long time.

“I can’t defend what he does…but, he’s someone I love.  And when you love somebody, you don’t run away from them when they’re struggling.”  Holy Moses!  We could all use a friend, a soul mate like that!

The Law

I’ve been giving a good deal of thought to the notion that we live in a law-abiding society and yet there’s not a big difference between the guys in here and “good, decent people” going about their daily lives.  Almost every day this week the newspaper had a blip about some group here or there wanting to put the Ten Commandments up in classrooms to restore America’s “morality”. 

I have a stack of letters from well meaning people who remind me that I am a law breaker and they are “good” people.  I’ve spent months thinking about our reliance on “the law” to determine who is good versus who is bad. This blog will probably draw its fair share of criticisms but that’s OK.

John Mellencamp was onto something when he sang “I fought the law and the law won”.  The law always wins and we – fragile, broken, sinful human beings that we are, always lose.  I have to smile when I hear people wax self righteously about the Ten Commandments.  I’m no theologian, but I’ve developed a relationship with my Lord, and what I’ve come to realize is God’s law – those Ten Commandments we like quoting so much – are absolutes, and no one can live up to God’s laws.

That’s why Paul kept telling the new churches (and especially the Romans) the law is death.  No one is free of sin.  Each and every day we break God’s law.  Think I’m wrong?  Consider the following “absolutes”:

·         A prohibition on idolatry (remember that the next time you wave your flag or put anything ahead of your relationship with God)

·         Divorce is prohibited (except for adultery)

·         Envy

·         Gossip

·         Working at any activity on the Sabbath

·         Lust

This list is just a few of the things each and every one of us does day in and day out.   And it’s precisely because these God made laws are absolutes that we can’t live up to them.  The “law” always prevails.
And that is what I’ve discovered is so wonderful about God.  He knows we can’t live up to His requirements, but He tells us “I love you anyway”.

I find myself thinking about grace a great deal.  The entire idea that “you were dead in the law but alive in God…” just overwhelms me with a deep sense that with God at least, there are always second, third and even fourth chances.

All the men in here wear the clothes of lawbreakers.  Yet, we’re all lawbreakers, even the “good” people outside.  I think that’s why I’ve drawn so close to my faith recently.  God doesn’t expect us to be perfect.  He just wants us to treat each other with kindness and mercy.  He just wants us to forgive and love.

There’s a wonderfully sweet Eagles song called “Love Will Keep Us Alive”.  It’s a song that brings bittersweet memories for me.  I can’t help but think of a young girl I fell in love with as a young boy and how much I miss that girl, that feeling of love.  But as I recently read the lyrics, I couldn’t help but think there’s more to it.

“Don’t you worry

Sometimes you’ve just gotta let it ride
The world is changing
Right before your eyes
Now I’ve found you
There’s no more emptiness inside
When we’re hungry love will keep us alive

I would die for you

Climb the highest mountain
Baby, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Beatles were right:  all you need is love.  Love, God is telling us, overcomes a myriad of our sins.  Love overcomes the law.

Every day people are convicted of breaking the law.  Some, like me violate the criminal code of Virginia.  Others live outside a state of righteousness.  But, I’ve come to realize, the law may punish and people may refuse to forgive, but God forgives, God shows mercy, God loves.

Perhaps, just perhaps, God’s trying to tell us something about our reliance on the law.