Memory Matters

A few weeks ago, a new student started working with me in our afternoon GED class. “CJ” is a thin, gray-haired, sixty-two year old man who has spent the last thirty-eight years behind bars. He’s one of the “old time” inmates. Given a life sentence with the possibility of parole (odd, isn’t it, life but parole eligible), he is one of the approximately 7,000 Virginia inmates who are given perfunctory “parole hearings” annually. CJ’s annual review sheet shows his release date as “none.” Still, every year he appears before a parole examiner via Skype, answers a half dozen questions, and waits three weeks to receive his form letter denying him parole.

            CJ reads at less than a fourth grade level. His math skills are only somewhat better. But, a strange thing happens. I spend a fair amount of time reading to the guys in class. I’ll read a “social studies” piece about the Nazis and concentration camps. A day or two later, CJ will put down on paper with perfect recall every camp name, town, battle, General. It’s freaky to see, as if his mind hears the words and the spelling, then creates a photograph of it to be recreated by him on paper. He has amazing recall. “Larry, you said last Tuesday … “It’s a memory thing.

            I regularly read the story of Moses and the Exodus, the wandering through the wilderness by the people of Israel. I find comfort in knowing God never gave up on Moses. He had a plan for Moses’ life and neither his murder of an Egyptian, nor his fleeing Pharaoh to start a new life as a shepherd, would prevent God from carrying out His will.

            One message comes through over and over in the wanderings of the Israelites. “Remember,” They are told, “what your God has done for you.” It’s a message I keep close: “Remember; always remember.”

            I spent almost a year at a jail before transfer to DOC’s receiving unit. During that year I saw daylight exactly five times with three of those times being driven in a police car to court hearings. I arrived at receiving with a sickly pallor. I was a pale as I’d ever been. The first afternoon at receiving, my cell door opened for the daily thirty minute call. I walked out into the sun and heat of an August Virginia afternoon and saw the one-tenth of a mile track around the perimeter of the small rec yard. Without a second thought, I took off and began running. My chest heaved and my legs felt like rubber, but in just a few short laps it all came back, all the runs I’d had in my normal life. And, I ran and remembered running in the woods or around town or on the beach. It was as if the memories wired into my muscles reset the memories in my mind.

            “Remember.” So often guys in here try to forget who they were, where they are from. They create “new” persons who bear no resemblance to the real them. It’s so obvious: Ignore your past at your peril. In almost every letter he wrote to the small churches in Asia Minor, Paul reminded his flock where he came from. He never hid his truth, his life, because the miracle that was Paul’s life was his Damascus Epiphany. “Look where I was; look what I did; and then, God …”

            For a long time, I felt captive by my memories. I tried not to remember; fearful they would haunt my sleep. I would replay scenes over and over trying to understand why and hoping that “this broadcast” would lead to a different result. But, like that first run at receiving, my memories came back, but in a good way. I saw the joy and heartache as pieces of my life with many pieces still to come. And, as guys got to know me, they realized the man they saw wasn’t trying to be somebody he isn’t. As the great philosopher Popeye said, “I am what I am.” What I am is the product of a loving God who never gave up on me even as I went down some paths I shouldn’t have.

            “Remember.” Memory matters. Remember where you came from, who you are, and the path you followed to find your way home. It’s a lesson worth carrying in your heart in this place.

 

Thinking About an eBook

The other night, I read an interesting piece in USA Today about a recent Barnes & Noble eBook “daily special” of Eric Metaxas amazing biography of martyred German Theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  Selling as an eBook for $1.99, Bonhoeffer’s amazing life story sold tens of thousands of copies in a short time and thrust the book to number 19 on the paper’s weekly bestsellers list.

I read (and wrote about) the Bonhoeffer book months ago.  I found it a difficult read, very cerebral, theologically driven, and yet one of the most powerful books I’d ever read.  Bonhoeffer was a brilliant, serious Christian who, I believe, would offer scathing criticism of 21^st century American faith trends.  I wondered, as I read the article, if all those readers knew what they were getting into.

Inside my wall locker I display two small items.  The first is a color drawing of the Archangel Michael.  A friend, and Episcopal Rector, sent it to me shortly after my arrival at the receiving unit.  “Michael is the archangel who protects us,” his letter stated.  I kept “Michael” under my pillow, looking at him daily as I dealt with the filth and inhumanity of DOC’s Powhatan Receiving Center.

The second item is a poem penned by Bonhoeffer while imprisoned by the Nazi’s and awaiting his execution.  Simply titled “On Waking in Prison”, it is a powerful testament to this man’s undying faith in his Lord even as the hangman’s noose drew closer.

Bonhoeffer felt compelled by his faith to challenge the Nazi regime, the status quo.  He became a leader of the Covenant Church movement, separating a number of Lutheran parishes away from the mainline German Lutheran churches which, at best, quietly acquiesced to the Nazi’s rule of terror and, at worst, actively participated in Hitler’s dreams of ethnic cleansing and world domination.

Lest we too quickly applaud Bonhoeffer for his deeds; let’s remember the Nazis were a legitimately recognized political organization.  Hitler’s rise to power came about by the force of political calculation and legitimacy.  There was no government overthrow.  The Nazis entered politics, Hitler was asked to form a government and the German people – a majority at least – willingly followed along as law after law was passed.  There was no coup, there was simple acquiesce by the German people to fear and economic despair and the deep-seated desire to have simple answers to complex societal issues.

And what of Bonhoeffer?  He willingly broke the legitimate laws of his nation because he believed God called humankind to a higher order than the laws on the books.  Bonhoeffer was willing to fight the legitimate government of his nation, challenge the conventional wisdom of his people and be imprisoned and executed to remain true to his God.  An amazing man.  A true Christian.  I wonder how many of us would be willing to do the same; give up job, family, freedom, our lives for our faith.

Bonhoeffer challenged the conventional wisdom of his day – and our day – that found faith to be an easy exercise.  It’s not.  It’s painful and lonely and it involves suffering but you press on anyway because God requires you to do so. You are His child; your eternity is secure.  You are compelled, therefore, to do right even in the face of unwinnable odds.

I wonder what Bonhoeffer would say to modern American Christians; white, upper-income families believing they are blessed because they have two cars, a half million dollar mortgage, a recovering 401k.  What would he say about our reaction to 9/11, to the denial of rights to “enemy combatants”, about our step by step dismantling of personal freedom in the name of security?  What would Bonhoeffer say about the rights call for a wall to “protect” the border?  What would Bonhoeffer say about America’s staggering incarceration number (2.3 million) and supervised probation and parole number (almost 5 million) at a cost of $200 billion per year (criminal justice spending) most of which goes to arrest, try, convict and incarcerate nonviolent offenders?  What would Bonhoeffer say about 46 million Americans using food stamps while our defense budget continues to grow and unemployment exceeds 9%?

I may be mistaken, but I think he would simply ask each believer “What does the Lord require of you?”  As I said earlier, this fast selling eBook will be a difficult read.  But, if we truly believe, we will take heart.  We will get involved.  We will demand justice, seek mercy and forgiveness. 

Ultimately, our power, our future lies not in the military, economic or legal system of this country.   Ultimately, it rests with the Lord who “gives the solitary a home and brings forth the prisoners to freedom”.  What would Bonhoeffer say?  He’d say what I see every morning when I read his poem.  As the psalmist said, “be strong and let your heart take courage.”

Bonhoeffer's Prayer

A friend of my mother’s – “Ms. Pat” – has been steadfastly writing me for the last year and a half. She and her husband are longtime friends of my parents. We attended the same church when I was growing up. They still reside in the same home they lived in back in the ‘70’s. I remember one Christmas, shortly after we married, I took my new bride to a party at their home. During my time in prison, I’ve thought often of how beautiful my wife looked that night.



Ms. Pat is an 80 year old woman of deep faith and conviction. More importantly, she practices what she preaches. She is very open about her own failures and shortcomings. She is also very forgiving.


Anyway, she writes quite regularly. I enjoy her letters. They usually contain a card with a Bible verse that is exactly what I need to see at that particular moment. There are newspaper clippings about prison fellowship programs, song lyrics, poems and prayers. Many of these find their way to get taped up in my locker.


Two days ago I received another mailing from Ms. Pat. Included in the envelope was a prayer written by the 20th century German Theologian DietrichBonhoeffer. He wrote this prayer as he awaited execution in a concentration camp. He was imprisoned and eventually executed by the Nazis for daring to speak out against Hitler. His faith, he argued, compelled him to confront evil.


He was a solitary man who agonized and prayed, trying to decide what his moral obligation was. Should he speak out against the government? In the end, he followed the guiding principles of his faith in God. At the age of 39, he lost his life, but kept his faith.


On Waking in Prison


O God, early in the morning I cry to You;
Help me to pray
And to concentrate my thoughts on You;
I cannot do this alone.

In me there is darkness,

But with You there is light;

I am lonely, but You do not leave me;

I am feeble in heart, but with You there is help;

I am restless, but with You there is peace.

With me there is bitterness, but with You there is patience;

I do not understand Your ways,

But You know the way for me.


There is no one I’ve met who is being held as a prisoner of conscience. In fact, most of us in here did, in fact, break the law. But Christians, at least, would do well to read the Gospels of Paul’s Epistles. There are numerous references to those in prison and none of those says “this doesn’t apply if the prisoner is guilty.”


In Matthew 25, Jesus speaks of the Lord separating the flock. “The Lord said ‘I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me’. Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord when did we see You?’ And the Lord said ‘to the extent that you did it to one of these, you did it to Me.”


The righteous gain eternal life. The others, eternal punishment.


Bonhoeffer’s prayer is profound testament to the feelings of despair, loneliness, isolation and fear that every imprisoned person feels. But, it is also a powerful reminder that no matter what a man did, God is with him in prison if he calls out.


People may not like hearing this, but we are all created in His image and He requires us to be loving, be forgiving, be merciful and just.


Visit someone in prison. Make a difference in that person’s life. Be a beacon of God’s light. The life you save may be your own.

Searching for Meaning

I was asked to teach an advanced writing class for the guys who completed the introductory writer’s workshop. The faculty advisor and I decided to put a summer reading list together of classics. We chose The Grapes of Wrath, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Call of the Wild, and about eight more. One of the only two non-fiction books we chose was Dr. Viktor Frankl’s amazing book Man’s Search for Meaning. I read this book as a senior in college writing my undergraduate independent study. It made somewhat of an impression on me then; it is seared in my conscious thought now.



Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist living in Vienna, Austria during the Second World War. He ended up surviving Auschwitz and three other camps. His pregnant wife, his parents, and a host of other family members perished at the hands of the Nazis. He somehow survived and found meaning in his suffering. He also found the inner strength to fight to live and later, to love and forgive.


He wrote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”


He watched as seemingly healthy young men gave up, surrendered and died. Yet, there were others, suffering terribly, they still remained eternally optimistic.


I see the same thing and understand what Dr. Frankl meant. Men in here on their second, third or even fourth “bid” who lie around on their bunks, wasting their minds, their futures, away. Then, there are the men who enroll in college, read everything they can get their hands on. They strive, not just to survive prison, but overcome it. These men understand who they are. They accept the punishment handed down for the wrongs they committed. But, they challenge the illogical conditions of this environment.


“No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same.”


I have a young friend in here who tutors with me. Corey is 25. He is completing the final 18 months of a five year sentence for reckless driving resulting in death. Corey went drag racing against two friends. His girlfriend – a passenger in his car – was ejected from his vehicle when he lost control and crashed. She died at the scene.


Sending Corey to prison has done nothing to make him a “reformed person”; it’s done nothing to bring the girl back. He struggled for the first three years of his imprisonment, without therapy, to deal with his guilt and remorse.


Does Corey deserve condemnation, punishment, or forgiveness? A person whom I love dearly – more so after my incarceration, wrote me saying “I prayed you would die in jail”. Her anger, bubbling on the surface, led her to utter this prayer. Should I cry out and condemn her? I can’t.


This past week, a drunk driver – an illegal immigrant – struck and killed a nun and seriously injured two others. While the newscasts raced against each other for interviews with prosecutors and immigration advocates politicizing this tragedy, the driver’s parents travelled to the sisters’ convent to offer their apology and explain their son’s raging alcoholism. The sisters prayed with them. They prayed for the young man, and forgave him. Remarkable, yet the exact right thing to do: God’s gift of grace in action. Could any of us do the same? Should any of us accept less from ourselves?


“Man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered the gas chambers upright, with the Lord’s Prayer or the Sherma Yisrael on his lips.”


We are capable – each of us – of self-centeredness, of recklessness, of not caring, not being kind, not loving or forgiving; yet, we also can love, can forgive, we can endure.


An amazing man; an amazing book. All the reasons to hope, to endure, to find solace and meaning in your darkest day.


“Et lux in tenebris lucet.” And the light shineth in the darkness.