Dreams

My mom sent me a copy of her minister’s sermon delivered the week before Christmas. Ironically, it was on a subject that I had jotted down in my notes a few weeks ago. I’d been thinking a good deal about the approaching New Year and how so many of the plans and dreams I had “BA18” (before August 18th) had been lost.



I’d been thinking during that time about Joseph. Here’s this guy. He’s about to get married to a young girl (he’d be her first) and start life as a newly married man handling his carpentry business. All of a sudden she shows up and says “I’ve got good news and bad news”. And Joseph finds out the woman he’s betrothed to is (1) favored by God, so much so that an angel paid her a visit; and (2) oh yeah, she’s pregnant.


Probably as bad as news can get for a Jewish guy living in Roman occupied Israel in 2 or 3 AD. Joseph is devastated, but he doesn’t want to hurt or publicly embarrass his bride to be (after all, announcing she was pregnant out of wedlock was a capital offense. She would have been stoned to death). Instead he decides to let her go quietly home.


All his dreams: the honeymoon, kids, his carpentry business; all are going out the window. But, an angel visits him and says “Keep her as your wife”. Joseph doesn’t argue. He doesn’t complain about the hand he’s been dealt. He does what he’s been told by God, not once, but again when he packs up and moves to Egypt to protect his wife and this baby he didn’t father.


There isn’t a lot written about Joseph, but he’s an integral part of the Christmas story. Every plan he’d made was thrown out the window when Mary told him she was pregnant. Yet, he trusted God and did the right thing and it made a difference.


As I’ve written before, early in my marriage I wondered why the beautiful young girl I fell so deeply in love with was so sad and depressed. I had changed every plan, every dream for my future to be with her and it wasn’t what I’d expected. I stayed because, well, that’s what you do when you love someone. You don’t bail out, you don’t give up on them, you stay and you trust and believe with all your heart because it’s the right thing to do.


Fast forward to 2010. Every dream I had growing old with that beautiful girl, watching my son graduate college, holidays with friends, my youngest son playing baseball and performing piano recitals, all gone.


You’d think I’d be bitter and depressed. I’m not. As I look back on this past year I’ve learned some amazing things about myself and realized I was wrong about so much in my life. I’ve made some friendships with men in this prison that I wouldn’t trade for anything: Big S, DC, Tyrone, Black, Craig and E to name a few.


I’ve had people outside and in here tell me how I’ve made a difference for them. I’ve learned to let go of many painful memories. And, I’ve learned patience and trust. Pretty ironic that all this took place in a cesspool like this.


It’s been a good year. All those times I was struggling, when I felt like I couldn’t go on, somebody was helping me. Maybe it was the day I got a letter from my cousin or my friends at home, or maybe it was the guy coming up to me and saying thank you, but those things happened when I needed them most.


I still have dreams. Maybe someday my ex will tell me she still loves me; maybe my sons will show up; maybe I’ll sell a book. I know this. God knows what I need. He’s got a plan for me.


I read a quote the other day:


“The black moment is the moment when the real transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.”


2011 will be a bright year, even in prison.