We both headed in on a door break and guys looked at us like
we were crazy. “How can you go out there
like that?” one guy asked DC. He smiled
and said “It’s all in your head”. His
words got me thinking.
Perhaps there is no better known Hymn in America than “Amazing
Grace”. That song crosses generations,
races and denominations. Something about
the words, “saved a retch like me” – most of us don’t even know what a retch is
– just resonates with us. We claim it
corporately; it’s a deeply personal, moving song that somehow makes sense to
everyone.
Yet, the history behind the song is more profound. John Newton was a British slave ship
captain. He’d made a number of
cross-Atlantic trips from Africa, to the Caribbean, to the Eastern seaboard of
the American colonies, then finally back to London. Each trip was the same: human cargo piled in cramped, filthy ship
holds to the islands and colonies, and then crops and products back to England.
It was a good life. He
was paid well and regarded with respect by this peers. In the eyes of society he was a success. His life, however, took an abrupt turn on one
return trip from the colonies. Off the
coast of Carolina, near Hatteras, Newton’s ship was caught in a horrendous
storm. The ship was forced onto the
rocks and began to break apart.
It was dark. The wind
howled. The rain poured down. And, Newton’s ship cracked and tore open as
the sea’s waves slammed it over and over against the jagged rocks. Newton knew he was going to die. This life-long member of the Church of
England, a good loyal subject of the King and country, knew he would
drown. In those hours of fear and
desperation he prayed not just to live through the night but also he faced God
with his life. He realized what a sinful
life he led. And, he asked his God to
forgive him.
The next morning, he awoke to find calm seas and his ship
still there on the rocks. The sky around
him was blue. The sun shone. He realized God had spared his life. He wasn’t sure why, but he knew, God’s hand
was in his life.
Sometime later, Newton penned the song “Amazing Grace”,
built around his survival that night in the storm. He returned to England, resigned his ship
captaincy, and began a career as a church worker. He was one of the driving forces in Britain’s
decision to outlaw slavery. For the
remainder of his life he tried to understand the mystery that was his God. He was saved for a reason.
This past week, I finished reading major league pitcher RA
Dickey’s autobiography, “Wherever I Wind Up”.
It is not a typical sports story.
Dickey’s career has had more than its share of ups and downs. To describe him as a journeyman pitcher would
be an understatement. He went from
Olympic team member and first round draft pick to the minor league circuit,
barely hanging on, occasionally getting called up.
He carried great secrets, baggage. Sexually abused as a child, he presented the
image of a happy, faithful husband and father.
Infidelity almost cost him his marriage.
An inability to throw effectively almost cost him his dreams. He was separated from his wife, on the
minor-league circuit, barely making enough to support himself and his family
when he bet some teammates he could swim across the Missouri River. He tried…and almost drowned.
It was the beginning of a new life for Dickey. His pitching improved. His marriage began to
rebuild as he dealt with the pain and torment caused by his abuse. Last year, Dickey won 20 games and the
National League Cy-Young award. Dickey’s
book opens with the Latin maxim. “Dum,
spiro, spero”, which means “While I breathe, I hope.”
The human mind is indeed a funny thing. It is capable of great thoughts, powerful,
merciful, healing thoughts. It is also
capable of great evil. “It’s all in your
head”. My friend DC doesn’t understand
how truly insightful his words are.
In “Forever Young”, the classic ballad written by Bob Dylan,
a father tells his children all his wishes for their future. As I’ve written before, just moments after both
my sons were born, as I held them for the first time and looked on the
God-given miracle that is life, I whispered Dylan’s words to them as though by
reciting them they would be imprinted with those characteristics of righteousness,
mercy and courage. One line, “May you
always know the truth and see the light surrounding you”, would cause me to
choke up, perhaps because I wanted desperately to feel that light around me.
I have come to see life in a new way in here, surrounded by
men with lives so broken, angry, and lost.
In reality, they’re no different than anyone else. We all have baggage and it builds up, weighs
us down, and eventually we find ourselves pushed against the rocks.
There are days in here when I just can’t make sense out of
what these men do. I see utter mayhem in
Syria, I see the tiny white coffins in Newtown, and I wonder what is going
on. None of it – my own feelings
included – makes sense. It is as if the
whole world is drowning. Then, I remember
the season, Christmas, a time of hope, and I think RA Dickey was right. “Dum, spiro, spero.”
“It’s all in your head.”
After finishing my workout I always stretch. I lay down on the concrete, close my eyes,
and recite Bible verses as I loosen my legs.
I lay there, eyes closed, saying in a whisper the words from the final
four verses of Isaiah 40. I memorized
those verses my first week in jail as I struggled with my very survival. They are words of hope and encouragement for
a people who thought their God wasn’t seeing their loss and pain. Isaiah reminded his people that God heard
their cries. “The everlasting God, the
Lord, does not grow weary or tired….”
And then he reminded everyone that those who wait on the Lord will be
given new strength. “They will soar on
wings like eagles.”
“Look at that, Larry.”
It was DC. Directly overhead was
a huge eagle, wings spread wide. He was
floating on the air currents circling round and round our ball court and rec
yard. He never flapped his wings; just
soared.
Was it a sign? I don’t
know. I know there are a lot of things
wrong right now. People are hurting – in
here and out there. So many are
suffering. Lives out of control with
divorce and rejection, war, violence, loneliness. But at this particular moment in time I choose
to look elsewhere. “It’s all in your
head.” There is good news. Dum, spiro, spero. While I breathe, I hope. And hope will see us through.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 
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