Girls, Girls, Girls

There was a huge “girl” fight this week on the boulevard and I had a front row seat. Tuesday morning I was coming back from breakfast when I saw KiKi slapping RiRi. For some reason, the first thing openly, flamboyantly, gay inmates do is give themselves “sassy” names. So these two are slapping and pulling at each other and “13” (that’s the radio handle for the officer on duty to watch guys walk the boulevard) is on the radio hitting the emergency button.



Their fight was a continuation of a battle the afternoon before with RiRi’s “boy toy” and “Big Mama”. What started this gay Armageddon? Somebody owed for drugs and “booty”.


KiKi and RiRi were separated. An officer was leading RiRi away when out of the crowd burst one of RiRi’s “sistas” who sprinted full speed down the boulevard, leapt and sucker punched KiKi. They both collapsed on the pavement slapping, grabbing and cussing. I turned to my left and I see another guy swaying full speed across the lawn like Boy George, yelling “I’m comin’ girlfriend”. She jumped on RiRi’s protector. It was a regular San Francisco Melee! Officers came running from all directions, putting on protective gloves and separating the ladies.


I looked to my left and one of my students – “Buzz” – was standing there. “Nothin better than a gump fight”, he said to me, grinning from ear to ear.


Women in a prison world. Funny, but that night the “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” was on. Almost every set was tuned to watch the girls stride down the runway. Every time Katy Perry or Beyoncé or even Madonna (early Madonna, not the later stuff) music videos appear on TV, guys will yell out. Guys are starved for contact with females.


For women who work here, it’s clearly a strange environment. Some CO’s see it as a chance to boss around men. They have an attitude. They’re loud, hateful and downright disrespectful. They get off on guys cussing them.


And, there is clearly a racial component to all of it. There is a core group of middle aged, morbidly obese, black female CO’s who are just mean, loud and rude 24/7. Ms. “O” in the school building is the worst. She’s so loud the classroom doors have to be kept closed; so loud the principal finally complained to the head of compound security.


A few of the women are actually too pleasant. Ms. “W” is just a plain looking country girl, but she never raises her voice and just does her job. Same goes for Ms. “D” and Ms. “G”. The weird thing is, in any other work environment no one would notice them. But here, where you’re starved for female attention, these CO’s are looked at like swimsuit models.


The nurses and young psychologist have it the toughest. Three nurses: two blonds and one light complected black are all in their twenties. They’re sweet and cute (even in their nurse pants and tops). Guys come back from med call and the first question asked is always “who was working”? Then, followed by “how’d she smell”?


And the young psychologist? Dozens of guys will tell you “she really listened to me. We really connected.” The fact that she’s slender, young and has long brown hair doesn’t seem to hurt either.


Guys in here crave female companionship. They fear being so desperate for physical contact they’ll turn to one of the “dorm girls”. I never stop being amazed by guys who claim such success with “the ladies” are so clueless when it comes to them or their own sexuality.


“Want her to go with you? Just buy her a Benz.”
“Women love bein’ treated rough, nasty. They want you to handle binness.”


I’ll be the first to admit I’m no ladies man. Women are a mystery to me. I don’t understand how they think. I don’t understand why one woman would stay by her husband’s side over a 38 year bid for murder and another file for divorce before the inks dry on the sentencing order. But, I at least know how they are equipped physiologically and psychologically. I understand basics about them.


Every year there are cases of fraternization – inmates and CO’s hooking up. CO gets fired; the inmate gets transferred. Rumors run through the compound when an officer is dismissed for “doin’ the nasty with a guy on his bid.”


As I’ve written before, a guy in my dorm – “softball Jeff” hooked up with a CO while he was at the Greensville prison. She was fired, he was transferred, and then they were married here. They had a ceremony, a cake, ring exchange, everything but the honeymoon. They even got matching tattoos. Marital bliss, “from this day forward”, lasted less than two years. She hooked up with another corrections office. Their divorce is underway.


I really don’t understand women and this place makes it even tougher. I only know I miss my ex. I miss watching her pick out what she’d wear, miss how she’d worry how she looked. I miss the conversations we’d have or how we’d work together in the kitchen getting ready for company coming over. I miss her smile and how she’d laugh at my off the wall jokes and stories. She always told me she fell for me because I made her laugh.


It’s lonely in here and it’s something you have to adjust to. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over missing my ex. But, at least there’s an occasional “gump fight” to take my mind off things.