House Full of Thoughts

I’m a big fan of the TV show “House”. House is the name of the main character, an opinionated, arrogant, SOB doctor with a rash of human faults. He’s condescending, has a hurtful, cutting, sarcastic tongue, and demeans his staff. He also is hopelessly in love with the hospital administrator, Cuddy.



I enjoy House as a character because I feel a certain kinship with him. He is a difficult man, an exasperating man, a broken man, but a good man none the less.


Last week, House was trying to get back in Cuddy’s good graces after she realized he had lied to her. To House, everyone lies and his lie to Cuddy had nothing to do with his relationship with her. To Cuddy, any lie, involves the relationship. House’s solution is simple. He won’t apologize or admit he’s wrong; he’ll just point out to her all the lies he’s caught her in.


Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship can guess how House’s solution works out. I’ve thought a great deal about lying, and trust, and the way men and women react to those issues in relationships.


I’ve always tended to separate lying to my wife about the money I was stealing from my underlying love for her. Compartmentalize it, I thought. My lies, my stealing, had nothing to do with my feelings for her or our relationship. Trouble is, I was wrong.


Garth Brooks said in an interview recently “you can lie to anyone except the voice inside.” Lying to my wife was just like lying to myself. Eventually, I couldn’t look myself in the mirror and couldn’t look her in the eye.


Years ago, I would have rationalized that a few lies wouldn’t hurt a relationship. Having gone through this, I now think otherwise.


Here’s a strange thing, I learned it honestly. My father regularly kept things from my mom. Not big things (that I’m aware of), but “things”. He’d make deals with my brother and me. “Your mom doesn’t know . . .” She’d get mad, time would pass and right back he’d go to making decisions on his own.


Me, I started out telling my wife everything. I told her every dream, every frustration, every minute detail of my day. Things changed. We had issues; I couldn’t tell her how worried I was about her, how frustrated I was with her family. So, I held back, I had secrets, I fudged the truth. It made it that much easier to rationalize the “big lie”, stealing to make everybody think I “was the man”. Once you head down that road, it’s tough to go back.


My wife never had doubts about my faithfulness, never thought I’d cheat on her. I never did. I told her exactly who I was with, where I’d gone. It just wasn’t worth taking a risk to lose her over another woman.


I wish I had the same attitude when it came to my decision to take money years ago to buy her dream house. Lies are built on rationalization. We rationalize; we project how our partner will react. In truth (funny, huh?) we don’t know how someone will respond to the truth. Regardless of how they respond, they deserve the truth.


It’s been difficult for me to admit that. It’s even tougher now because so many things were written and said by my wife leading up to our divorce that have made me think she was never honest with me. That hurts deeply.


Life isn’t like TV. House apologized to Cuddy (still, he thought he was right) and they were fine (at least until next week’s episode). I can’t re-write our scenes. I can’t come up with a happy ending. As much as I’d like to think it would matter, my epiphany is too late.


Garth Brooks was right, you can’t lie to yourself. It took me way too long to learn that.