Sometimes the Truth

I struggle every week with what I disclose in these pages. It’s become a running joke among the guys. Anything that is said or happens around me is fair game for the blog. Still, on more than one occasion I have been asked by well meaning people to keep “something to myself”. “I’m not sure how [insert name here] will feel about that story.”



Two letters the past week and a couple of guys comments in here lead me to explain why I write what I do. Why do I tell everything, good and bad, that happens in here? Why do I spill my guts about my life and the emotions I’m going through with my broken relations? Two reasons: it’s the truth and like love, it matters.


The two letters. I have a relative who was a big part of my life growing up. But as adults sometimes do, we get hung up on our own lives and, feeling snug and self-righteous, we are quick to pass judgment when troubles arise in someone else’s life. This woman took me to Shea Stadium in 1968 and I saw the New York Mets play baseball for the first time. I fell in love with the Mets that day. As a ten year old I watched the ’69 Mets do the impossible. As a 27 year old I learned God was a Mets fan when I stood in my living room during game six of the 1986 World Series and knew, yes I knew, the Mets would win.


So this woman, who gave me my love of baseball, announced to the family one day she was divorcing her husband. My reaction? She was a failure. “Successful people” don’t quit relationships. We still communicated, but there was a distance.


Then I came to prison and out of the blue she wrote. Funny how things roll around. I thought I had the “perfect” wife who loved me, no matter what (if I really believed that, why was I constantly afraid she didn’t love me?), I had a “great” life (so great I thought I had to make people happy for them to accept me). Then I got arrested, got convicted and in short order my “perfect” wife announced (1) she hadn’t loved me for a long time (2) my kids broke off contact with me (3) my friends (some right away, others recently) abandoned me (4) my wife divorced me, then embarked on relationships with a couple of men, one of whom is now hanging out with my younger son at the house I gave my wife to protect her and our kids while I was trying to make this right. I said funny. That is really damn hilarious!


Anyway, my aunt began writing and it reminded me how cool it was when we talked about baseball and how wrong it was for me to have not even listened to her. The other day she wrote again. The letter was full of baseball stuff and this: “You are more honest in one blog than most people are in their lifetime.” I took those words to heart.


The other letter was from my older friend who provides me spiritual insight. During those terrible recent days I wrote her and a local friend asking for guidance as I dealt with still more turmoil involving my ex. My local friend never responded. She, however, did and she told me things about her life, her struggles, that floored me. After reading her letter and praying I knew what I had to do, how I needed to move forward.


Sometimes what I write about is difficult to read. I’m sure there are some who wish I’d just not discuss “certain things”. But, it’s the truth and I don’t write anything out of anger or resentment. Fact is, I write what I do out of a sense of gratitude for God giving me this opportunity to see and endure this and because some of the people I write about I love more deeply now than I ever did.


The other reason I write what I do is because of the people I’ve met along the way. Every week guys ask me what I’m writing about. Every week guys will say “do you really think anybody cares?” I always tell them somebody does, in fact, care and it matters. Because the truth matters. What happens in these men’s lives matter.


Whether I write about her or not isn’t going to make my ex-wife suddenly remember what existed between us and make her come to see me or write me the kind of letter I long to receive. It won’t make my sons open up to me or my friends remember what friendship means. It won’t change DOC or make the Governor put his faith in action. Then again, maybe it will. Sometimes the truth can do miraculous things.