Shakespeare defined love as “a smoke made with the fumes of
sighs”. The old bard’s still got
it. He’s saying love is elusive and indefinable
and can render us speechless. Neil Young
sang “only love can break your heart”.
Neil’s a pretty good bard too.
Love is a hot topic of conversation in this place. Too often the discussion ends up degenerating
to physical attributes, sex. But, here’s
a universal truth: everyone wants to be
loved.
A few months ago, at the deepest part of my funk brought
about by my exchange of letters with my ex, a few of the younger guys came to
me trying to cheer me up. “Get over her”
(or more colorful words to that effect) they told me. They just couldn’t understand heartache
caused by losing a woman. So I tried to
explain it. She was as much a part of me
as I was.
Here’s what I’ve discovered the past few months. I’d rather be heartbroken than not give a
damn. See, I still love my ex. Doesn’t mean there’s some magic “happily ever
after moment” coming in the future. But,
I realized on the worst day of my life I did the most loving thing I’d ever
done and I did it without giving a second thought to what it would cost
me.
Two different news stories hit me last night. In the first, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper
recently spoke out. Apart from
expressing her own remorse over what happened, she said the following: “I know Arnold is hurting. He did something wrong, but he loves Maria
more than anything.” Unfortunately, we
do stupid, selfish, irresponsible things at times and hurt the ones we
love. In my case, I can offer no
excuse. I would do anything to set back
the hands of time.
The second involved actress Tatum O’Neil who was promoting
her recently released autobiography. She
has had, to say the least, a difficult life.
Now in her late forties, she was given drugs by her own father at age
eleven. Years of severe drug addiction,
depression and suicide attempts followed.
At one point, her children were taken from her. She was estranged from her father for over
twenty-five years; only recently beginning the healing process, they have
slowly begun to reconcile.
Ms. O’Neil was asked “why now”, why reconcile. Her response was telling. “I’ve always loved my father. No matter the mistakes he made or I made, I always
loved him. And when you love someone,
you forgive them and rebuild.”
Her words hung with me for a long while that evening. As I write this, I am spending my third
Father’s Day incarcerated. I have not
heard from or seen either of my sons in almost three years, sons who mean more
to me than my own life. Yesterday my
three closest friends from home came for a visit. My spirits were buoyed by their time with
me. I realized I’m not forgotten by them
or their spouses. Their children are
friends with my sons. I felt, for the
three hours they were with me, the old connection to family and friends.
They know the father and husband I was. They know the love I feel for the three people
I left at home. They also know what I’ve
been through and the sorrow and heartache I carry.
As we finished our visit up and they were encouraging me to “be
strong and keep the faith” I told them I would always love my ex and my
sons. “No matter what”, I said, “I’ll
never give up on them.”
It’s a question of faith.
Love, simply put, comes down to faith.
In the remarkable song “Hallelujah” one line states –“your faith was
strong, but you needed proof.”
I have been rendered heartbroken at times the past few
years. I’ve wanted to quit and give up
on myself and others. But I won’t. All the proof I needed was realizing God wasn’t
giving up on me. Love isn’t from an
Internet dating service. Love is knowing
God believes in you so you can have the faith to believe in others, even at the
risk of heartbreak. 
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