"H" words - July 4, 2010

The week wasn’t even completed and I found myself thinking over and over about different words beginning with the letter “H”.



I thought about humanity early in the week trying to understand the absolute stupidity of 2 guys in my building who ended up getting thrown in the “hole” (that’s another “H” word to describe solitary confinement) for asinine behavior.


First, “Tim” an angry, miserable, self-absorbed 60 year old guy on a cane, who’s also known to drop anonymous notes on other inmates to the officers. Tim earned the nickname “the finger” Sunday when he decided to do some body probing of his wife during visitation. He was caught and immediately sent to the hole (sexual contact by an inmate is a level 100 series charge – very serious).


Then, there’s Dewey and the yarmulkes. Dewey is a mid-20’s guy who bears a striking resemblance to Austin Powers. He is also crazy as a loon. Dewey only arrived two weeks ago but made an immediate impression on everyone. He told us he was “old school Sicilian”. Naturally, that led guys in here to tell him our building housed a whole lot of “made men”. Big S became “Magic Man”, mob boss underling; Max, “the ice man” a mob enforcer. I was the “consigliore” and provided legal counsel to the “family”. Dewey ran through the building calling out “Magic Man”. It was hilarious!


But Dewey topped it all by getting in a fight with the chaplain over a yarmulke. Dewey came in one day having a fit. He approaches me and we have the following conversation:


Dewey: “Consigliore, I’m Jewish and I want a Jewish hat and the chaplain has thousands of them”.


Me: “Just write a request form to the chaplain asking him to give you a yarmulke”.


Dewey: “What’s a yarmulke?”


So Dewey demands a “Jewish hat” from the chaplain during a meeting. He jumps up and calls the chaplain a “Jew hater” when he’s told there are no yarmulkes being stored at the prison. Dewey headed off to the hole right after that.


I also thought a great deal this week about honesty and hurt. A televised religious program I watch every Sunday had a fascinating sermon about love last week. The minister said the following:


“There may be no emotional pain that hurts more than being told by your spouse ‘I don’t love you anymore’. That isn’t what God intended marital love to be”.


I remembered a letter my ex-wife wrote me shortly after my arrest. She wrote “I don’t love you anymore. I haven’t loved you for a long time”. Almost every letter she wrote me made that point.


At the same time, she also told me she was always “honest” with me. Really? She claimed she didn’t love me for years but she was also always honest. I can take the hurt. After all, she’s suffered deeply due to my wrongdoing. But, I can’t take her throwing in my face how honest she always was. That is either the height of hypocrisy or she can’t look herself in the mirror and admit the truth.


So here goes my conclusion on honesty. Yeah, I lied about money; I lied about a good many things. But, I never lied about my feelings, my love for my wife. There are a great many decisions I regret making, but I can look in the mirror and know I was always honest about my love.


Then there are my folks. I have been bombarded by their “disappointment” over this for the past two years. Funny thing is, while I was busting my ass getting to be an Eagle Scout, graduating 3rd in my class in college, graduating law school, passing the bar exam, I can’t remember them ever saying “we’re proud of you. We love you”.


Instead, they keep this entire incident buried. “We don’t share our embarrassment”.


I don’t hold them responsible for my wrongdoing. I don’t blame my ex. Matter of fact, I’ve developed a deeper appreciation for all three of them. I can be honest about the hurt, the harm, I caused by my actions. The question is, can they?


Which leads me finally to hope. No matter what, you have to hang on to hope. I’ve been thinking recently about a John Prine song. The chorus goes –


“That’s the way the world goes round,
you’re up one day, the next your down;
It’s a half an inch of water
And you think you’re gonna drown,
That’s the way the world goes round.”


You’d be surprised what you can survive. You can find humor in the most dismal places and hope even when your heart is hurting. Even in a dump like this, every day’s a blessing.