A friend in here let me borrow his U2 “Joshua Tree” CD the other day. I listened to “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” over and over. It’s a song that for so long I equated with the woman I loved.
“I have climbed the highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you.”
I miss her terribly, more than I care to admit. I had assumed I would spend my life with her. She was, she is, an amazing woman. Losing her weighs on my heart each moment of the day. Every memory somehow reminds me of her.
“I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.”
I spent months during the past 2 years asking why. Why wasn’t what we had enough? Why would I risk everything when I was willing to do anything for her love?
“I believe in the Kingdom come
Then all the colours will bleed into one
But yes I’m still running
You broke the bonds
You loosed the chains
You carried the cross
And my shame . . .
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.”
I discovered, throughout this ordeal that there was someone that loved me unconditionally, someone that was willing to bear the pain, the brokenness, the disappointment all bottled up inside me. I found my soul on a dark, lonely night in a cell.
I won’t tell you that I haven’t cried at night since then, or felt overwhelming despair. But each day gives me hope.
The song isn’t about my broken relationship with that beautiful, yet fragile woman. No, the song is about finding your soul.
We all chase dreams, all get upended by our failures and disappointments. But, there is hope. We can find what we’re looking for.
For me, it was all about love. I wanted her to love me in a crazy, exuberant, no holds barred, unconditional way. But, that wasn’t her.
Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could reset the clock and go back and tell her, tell her how much I love her.
Funny thing is, it took this for me to find that I loved her – frailties and blemishes – completely.
I’ll be 51 in about 3 weeks. Yet, I feel as though I have a new lease on life. If I had one wish, it would be for that one chance to reconcile with the only woman I ever loved.
That probably won’t happen and I can live with that. It took a long time, but I finally found what I was looking for.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
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Just wondering exactly which prison you are in. My husband is in prison in Texas, and some of the "luxuries" you write about in your blog don't exist in any TX prison. I've never heard of someone being able to have a CD in prison, microwave, etc. The prison my husband is in doesn't even allow the prisoners to have outside rec time. He hasn't seen a blue sky or sunshine since the day he was sentenced.
ReplyDeleteand also how in the world do you have access to the internet in order to blog...no trying to sound mean....just wishing TX would treat our prisoners a bit better. They actually have better treatment of animals here then they do the prisoners. Most TX prisons have no A/C, my husband is fortunate to be in a highrise prison, the only one in TX so it does have A/C but has been broken all summer. The other units with A/C are the medical units, otherwise you sweat like pigs in 100+ degree heat
ReplyDeleteThe author is in a minimum security prison located on the East Coast. The blog is handwritten by the author and posted by a relative.
ReplyDeleteWell let him know that I enjoy his blog, and hope that he has success upon release.
ReplyDelete