In the Valley

I often recite the 23rd Psalm three, even four times a day. It perhaps is the best known Bible verse and the words give great comfort. As I’ve noted before on the pages of this blog, there are many days when I head out for my afternoon run, feeling as though I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I begin my quick sprint strides and whisper the words “The Lord is my shepherd. . .” Gradually, with each line, with each sprint completed, my sorrow begins to fade and I again convince myself I “can endure”.



I had days like that this week. I was stuck on the line “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death!” Wednesday was a dreary, rainy day here. I felt alone, forgotten, depressed about my circumstances. I missed my ex wife, my kids, what I had, what I’d lost.


I was returning from work and kept thinking on the walk across the compound “God, you’ve had me in this valley 25 months, when will it end?” Big S convinced me to go out in the rain, “run it out”. Don’t ever doubt that in any circumstance you will find angels in your midst.


The rain was cold and steady. The gravel track covered in puddles. It didn’t matter. I began running my 125 yard sprints. Five completed, then ten, fifteen, finally twenty. I ran and I thought. Soaked through my shirt, my shoes soggy, I realized for all those years I lied, all those years I stole and betrayed, I had been in the valley. Then, I was in a fog of rationalization, self-deception and denial.


For the past 25 months I’ve struggled in this valley, but I’ve never been alone. Each step I take somehow has me convinced I am on the right path.


I heard an interview with New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees the other day. The interviewer described how he had suffered an apparent career ending shoulder injury during the 2005 season. His old team – the Chargers – cut him. Only two teams were even willing to consider him as their quarterback.


He and his wife traveled to New Orleans. The Saints coach took them on a tour of “good neighborhoods” to show them New Orleans was bouncing back from Katrina. He made a wrong turn, however, and he and the Breeses ended up in the Ninth Ward. They saw the destruction brought by the Hurricane.


The coach said later “I thought right then and there we lost our new quarterback”. He was wrong. Brees and his wife decided they were called to New Orleans. If he was given a second chance with a healed arm, then he would work to heal New Orleans.


Everyone knows how the story goes. Brees led the Saints to a Super Bowl victory and was MVP. He and his wife have given and raised over $6 million for rebuilding homes and schools. But, it wasn’t all easy. His mother, who long battled depression, committed suicide shortly before the beginning of the Saints Super Bowl season.


On that rainy Wednesday, I thought of the story of Jesus calming the rough seas. He told his disciples “have courage . . . have faith”.


This place, this imprisonment may be my New Orleans. I don’t know if it was his plan that I needed to lose everything to find my way. I don’t believe He wanted me to do the things I did, nor did He want my wife and me to divorce. But, He knew our weaknesses, our selfishness.


I’m in a valley and I hate it. But, I’m blessed by it. Every day I see a reason to hope, to go on. “For Thou art with me. . .” the valley may appear long and unending, but it isn’t. I will eventually walk through.