Personal Ad

Big S and I were talking the other day about relationships. He’s been giving a great deal of thought to his future. In particular, does he try and reestablish a relationship with his daughter’s mom and rebuild their family. As I’ve written before, Big S is a relatively young man (early 30’s) but I think he was born mature. Perhaps it’s the prison experience, but he is wise beyond his, beyond my, years.



Relationships and sexuality are weird subjects anytime. They are even more so in prison. Guys approach their sexuality, their “needs” in all sorts of ways. First, there are the openly effeminate, prancing, dancing gays. They sew their own clothes; call each other “girl” and hook up in the bathrooms in the middle of the night. Almost all of them are housed in two buildings. I’m in a “gump” free zone (gump is prison jargon for homosexual) so my only contact with “La Cage aux Folles” is on the rec yard or at work.


Flamboyance in the prison gay community is a must. At the same time, there is a vicious undercurrent of homophobia in here. The only thing worse than being labeled a snitch is a gump. Guys go out of their way to prove they’re “hetero” and their proof is weight lifting and describing in exact, graphic detail what they’d do to a continuing increasing list of celebrities, models, vice-presidential candidates (Sarah Palin is a big hit in prison). This weeks “girl guest” was the TV Azteca reporter who was sexually harassed in the Jets locker room.


The dirty little secret in here is every gay guy has one or two supposedly straight guys as “boy toys”. And the guys who secretly see the “girls” are the ones who react with such venom when jokes are made about their sexuality. They rationalize that they aren’t really gay, just doing what needs to be done. That may explain why a pimp did so well in 6 building.


My ex used to complain that I was homophobic. I had definite opinions on gays, but like many other things, my opinions have evolved since my arrest. When I was at the jail, a Captain wrote a major charge against a gay trustee (“Kiki”). He asked me for help and I soon realized the Captain had it in for him. I believed correctly (as it turned out), because he was gay. I defended Kiki, won his case and convinced the jail the Captain needed “sensitivity training”. Two days later I was mysteriously transferred to DOC custody and the hell that was Powhatan receiving.


In February, I was walking across the compound and heard a shriek. “That’s him! That’s the lawyer that kicked that F---in Captain’s ass!” Scampering toward me was Kiki and two other “Supremes”. I am the lawyer for gay and straight, black and white.


On the other side of the sexual revolution in prison are the serial gunners. “Gunning” is the prison term for self love. There are guys in here who will announce “headin’ to the shower for some me time”. We have a few “shower guys” in here. You just learn to give them their space.


There are always incidents at visitation involving “conjugal” visits from wives or girlfriends. At least once a weekend a guy gets sent to the hole for receiving a “helping hand” from his “girl”. No matter how discreet, the camera in the sky knows!


I always wondered, back in my free days, how Catholic priests did the celibacy thing. I’ve learned over these past two years it’s not that hard (“that’s what she said!” - sorry, too many episodes of The Office). I was with my wife for 28 years. In that time I never cheated, never strayed. We had our problems, no doubt, but I loved her and viewed our physical relationship as part of who we were as a couple. Frankly, sex, without that loving relationship, just doesn’t interest me very much.


Back to Big S. He’s been thinking a great deal about his daughter and trying to create a loving home for her when he’s released. “Do you love her (the mom)?” He does. Then I told him about my situation. How I still love my ex and the thought of growing old without her fills me with deep sadness. But, I also know things couldn’t just go back to the way they were. I’ve realized through this experience that our relationship wasn’t as good as it should have been. I realized I put in an incredible amount of energy out of fear – fear she didn’t love me – and it made me not be the kind of man I should have been.


Big S understood exactly what I meant. I was reminded of a letter I received from my ex shortly after she filed for divorce. In it, she told me the reasons for her action. She said:


“You’re a convicted felon with a huge debt to repay and probably a lousy credit rating. You’re not much of a catch!”


It got me thinking about a personal ad I should run to find a new “significant other” (my ex used to teasingly suggest we go on “eHarmony” to see if we were a match). After all, advertising is really about the message, not the reality (case in point, our current President). So here goes:


“Physically fit, mature hairline, 51 year old male seeks any communication from females ages 35+ to 55. Must enjoy writing, reading, outdoors, my cooking, and be willing to overlook a $1 million plus restitution order. Must wait – patiently – for years – for an actual date. Interested candidates must be pre-approved by Big S and DOC (I can’t associate with know felons).


I’ve discovered it’s easier for guys to get hard core porn smuggled in than sustain a loving relationship with the one you love. It’s sad really. You get jaded about love, then you see “DC” and his wife in visitation. 38 years she’s stood by him. 38 years she comes for visits and they hold hands. “She knows I’m not the murderer they defined me to be. She knows the man I am, the man I can and will be. We’re in this together.”


Now, that’s love.