Epiphany

The definition of an epiphany is “the sudden striking understanding of something”. I felt that this week. In one sudden burst of consciousness, I realized a great deal about my own life. It happened innocently enough. I read a story that was explaining forgiveness.



A father was very concerned with his son. His son would screw up and say “I’m sorry”, the father would then forgive him. The boy would then go and do the same wrong thing again and the pattern of “I’m sorry-You’re forgiven” repeated over and over. Finally, the father took the son to the garage. He hammered a nail into the wall. “Pull the nail out”, he told his son. The son took the hammer and pried the nail out without a problem.


“Wow”, the father said, “remove the hole”. I understood the point immediately. Even when we are forgiven, the hurt we caused, the betrayal leaves a hole. The writer had a powerful message. And, it was a message all of us need to be reminded of from time to time. It’s easy asking to be forgiven. But, for the person hurt, forgiveness goes beyond just “pulling the nail out”. It also means filling the hole.


I thought a great deal about my failed marriage and here was where the epiphany occurred. For perhaps the last forty years I’ve been dealing with people who always demanded more of me, never accepted me just doing what I could. My folks love me, but constantly pushed me to live up to their demands, their wishes. I was brow beaten and guilt driven to be what they expected. Even today, my mom’s modus operandi is to “guilt” people into doing what she wants.


Then, I met “her” – the woman I had always dreamt I’d meet. It was love at first sight, for me anyway. And, I began doing with her what I’d done with my folks, friends, you name it. I would do anything to make her happy. I wouldn’t say “no” to anything.


I should have realized there were problems. At our wedding, her aunt told her she was acting like a “self-centered bitch”. A few years after that, her grandfather told her to “quit patting yourself on the back”.


After I was arrested she wrote me and said “my marriage was my most important accomplishment”. I hi-lited “my” twice. It wasn’t “our” marriage; it was, I discovered, always “hers”.


Years ago she told me “I don’t need you. I’ve got my own money, own job. I can make it on my own.” Funny, when I was arrested she made sure to tell me she needed everything.


I believe in love at first sight, believe in true love. On reflecting on my marriage I came to realize everything I did, every decision, every concession fed her needs, not ours.


She’s too full of pride, too self-assured to think I ever mattered, we ever mattered. I realized this week she would never admit she missed me; never tell me she needed me. She’ll never say “I’m sorry”. She simply doesn’t believe any of those things.


And that was when I had my epiphany. For years I wanted her to love me, really love me. I wanted her to light up, tell me (and mean it) that she was happy, happy about us. Wanting that drove me to do terribly self-destructive things to myself and, ultimately our relationship. Of course, “our” relationship was the way it was because I gave everything.


Don’t get me wrong. I was a pain in the ass at times. I was compulsive, surly at times and didn’t like to discipline the kids. But, I was also a very loving husband. I was so in love with my wife. I would have done anything for her.


I realized my “marriage wall” was full of holes. Twenty-eight years of never being told I was loved, twenty-eight years of being told I wasn’t needed, twenty-eight years of never being told “I’m sorry”, or “you matter, we matter”.


I started patching the wall this week. I still love her. In spite of it all, I love her.


My cousin and her husband came for a visit this past weekend. One of the blessings in this experience (and yes, there are many blessings) has been developing an amazing relationship with them. Thanksgiving 2008, as I sat suffering in jail with my whole life spinning out of control they sent me a card, no “why’d you do it”, no “we’re disappointed in you”, just a simple message that said “we’re there for you”. Since that time, they write weekly and visit every couple of months. They’ve kept me stocked with magazines, books and most importantly, hope. Candidly, I’m not sure I could survive this without their love and support.


While we were talking I told them how I’d love to see my ex, love for her to walk through the door and tell me she made a mistake divorcing me. Then, after a couple of bites of microwavable sandwich, I said “of course, that will never happen and if it did, I couldn’t go back to her without changing. And she’ll never see any need to change.”


I’ve changed a great deal these past two plus years. I’ve learned a lot about myself and why things happened the way they did. I learned what love really means, what makes a true friend, and how important forgiveness, compassion, and faith are.


I’ve also learned I’ll always love my ex-wife, but it’s OK we’re not together. My life was too full of holes because of her. I deserve better.