A Father's Letter

To my precious sons –



I haven’t heard from either of you in an extremely long while. For me, it feels like a lifetime. Your mom censors what I write to you. I pass no judgment on her decision to do that. Ultimately, she will have to decide in her own conscience if her behavior throughout this time has been appropriate.


I use this posting to put on paper some thoughts I’ve had about our circumstances, what we’ve been through, what I’ve learned. My intention is not to justify “why” this happened. If you want the whole story you know where to find me.


No, my purpose is to share with you some life lessons I’ve learned throughout this process. I won’t criticize you or your mom. Fact is, I love you three deeply, more deeply than any of you can imagine. Not a day goes by that I don’t pray about you three. I only hope and pray that your lives are joyful and peaceful. If that means life for you goes on without me, I can live with that. From the moment I was arrested, every decision I made was to protect you and mom. I’m not proud of the decisions and behavior that led me here, but I look myself in the mirror every morning with a clear conscience knowing at the worst moment in my life, I did the truly selfless, loving things necessary to take of you three. You may not realize it now, you may never admit it to me, but it’s the truth.


And, truth is a funny thing. I’ve heard a great deal about lying and how important honesty is. Ironically, the people who talk the most about honesty, the people who tell you over and over how truthful they are, end up being the very people who can’t deal with honesty and who lie to themselves.


This experience has, in many ways, been liberating for me. Everything about my life is now an open book. Most people can’t say that. They hide behind secrets and pray no one finds out. Here’s the thing – everyone lies, everyone keeps secrets. Honesty is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.


I’m not suggesting it’s OK to lie. But, before you hold your head up proud as a peacock and tell everyone how important honesty is, think back on all the little white lies you’ve told.


There are however, five traits that I think matter a great deal more.


They are courage, mercy, forgiveness, love and hope.


Courage means doing the right thing, doing the selfless thing, when everything is on the line and you’re afraid, so afraid that you can’t even see straight; yet, you still find the inner strength to do what has to be done even if it costs you everything. And, you hold no grudge. You don’t look back.


And boys, there are damn few people who are courageous. If you want to learn about courage, read about people who have been on the brink of losing all yet didn’t give up. It’s not courageous to get up, go to work, and be an honorable person. That’s expected. What is courageous is admitting when you’ve done wrong and willingly accept the consequences. It may not always seem fair, but no one ever said life was fair.


Courage means fighting through and overcoming fear and despair. My hope and prayer for you is you never have to come face to face with your or your family’s entire life at stake. But if you do, I know you’ll act courageously.


I never considered myself courageous. Fact is, I always felt like a chicken. But when things mattered most I found courage, I took more than my share of punishment. Almost everyone that claimed to love and care about me abandoned me. And still, I stood up and made sure you guys and mom would be protected. A great many people think I was foolish handling things the way I did. Even having gone through this, I’d still do the same thing today.


Mercy is so important and in such short supply. It literally means showing compassion to an offender. Here’s the thing. We all offend. We all hurt someone we care for. Mercy boils down to kindness, simply treating someone the way you’d want to be treated if you were in their shoes.


When I was in the jail, a young black man (your age “D”) came in strung out on heroin. I didn’t even know heroin addiction existed. I thought it was a 60’s and 70’s problem. Anyway, this kid was sick, as physically ill as anyone I’d ever seen. They couldn’t put him in a cell because he was constantly vomiting and losing bowel control. They left him on a cot in the middle of the day room with a bucket to puke in and soiled sheets.


His body physically craved heroin. It was, perhaps one of the saddest things I’d ever seen. This young man, shivering and sweating, unable to hold any food down, covered in his own waste. I sat daily with that kid. I made sure the staff got him clean linens and the nurses brought his medicine to him.


I’m not quite sure why I did it, I just know we spend way too much time judging and condemning each other when we should be offering a helping hand. I’ve spend a good deal of time reading and trying to understand the Bible. A great deal in there is about how we treat others is how God will ultimately judge us. I’ve learned it’s easy to think yourself superior, free of human failings and weaknesses. The fact is, we all screw up and we all need someone to lean on.


And mercy goes hand in hand with forgiveness. Boys, if you never listen to anything else I say, listen to this: always forgive. It is the toughest thing to do, and the most necessary, at least if you truly believe you’re a Christian.


When Jesus told Peter to forgive his brother seventy times seven, He meant it. Don’t hold anger, don’t be bitter. Forgive. We always want to condition our forgiveness, “If you do this, then I’ll forgive you”. Or, we say “I forgive, but I’ll never forget”. That’s not forgiveness, boys. Forgiveness is letting go, saying its over and forgotten. It’s about restoration and reconciliation of broken lives, broken relationships. It’s damn hard, probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do – I know. It’s also necessary.


For me, it boils down to this: “as God forgave you, so forgive others”.


Love goes hand in hand with all of this. But be careful. We say “I love you” way too easily when we don’t mean it. Love can overcome anything. Ultimately, life comes down to love.


I don’t buy the line “I used to love you, but I don’t anymore”. If that’s the case, it wasn’t really love. People we love hurt us. I’ve been on both ends of that as well.


I returned my wedding ring to mom. She told me I could keep it, but I didn’t see the reason. A wedding ring has no beginning, no end. It is given to represent complete, whole love. There’s a reason Jesus spoke over and over about not divorcing. Couples are supposed to love each other the way God loves us – unconditionally, even when we screw up. That’s what the vows mean.


Can you imagine God ever saying “I don’t love you anymore?” God wouldn’t do that. He loves us in spite of our failings. He never gives up on us. And, if we believe in Him, we are supposed to love the same way.


I’ll always love your mom and every day I’ll thank God for the time we had together and I’ll pray she is happy. I wish she hadn’t divorced me, wished she thought we could survive this. But, loving her means accepting what she’s done even when it broke my heart. She’s a wonderful woman and I feel truly blessed to have had her in my life.


Love is wonderful, but it’s also tough, the toughest thing there is. It requires patience, understanding and commitment. Most of all, it never gives up.


Finally boys, there’s hope. Hope is the same as faith. It’s knowing when you go through the valleys of life’s disappointment, failures, heartache, and loss that you’re not alone and you’ll get through.


I’ve had amazing experiences in my life. Some days seemed better than I could have ever imagined like the days you both were born. But other days have been worse than I can even express. And I won’t kid you and say I just got through them. I didn’t. I wondered how I’d make it and even if it was worth it. It was in those darkest, loneliest moments I found my faith and hope.


There’s a great Bible verse from Paul’s letter to the Romans in chapter 5, that I recite daily. It goes:


“…we also exult in our tribulations knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint . . .”


I try to live each day by those words.


No matter how bad things appear, no matter how lost everything seems, there is always tomorrow. You take each day as it comes and keep fighting, keep praying.


I have found so many blessings through this experience. I wish things were different, wish we were together as a family, wish mom and I were still married. Yet, still I am blessed.


Nothing that has happened, nothing that you do, will stop me from loving you. I’ve always loved you and always will. Just as with mom, even though we are apart, you remain in my constant thoughts and prayers.


Be kind to each other. Love and care for each other and your mom.


You are the greatest blessing and joy in my life.


Love,


Dad