Birthday Observations - July 30, 2010

I turned 51 yesterday. It was my second birthday “behind bars”. This may sound strange, but I had a great birthday. Last year wasn’t so good. I was in the Henrico County Jail waiting and worrying about getting shipped to a prison. I was waiting for my divorce to be finalized. While I tried to tell myself my wife – my soul mate, the love of my life – would reconsider, I knew she was going to go forward and divorce me.



I remember that morning one of my closest friends came by. I was down, very down. He brought me an Episcopal Church Book of Common Prayer which contained multi-year devotionals. He and his law partner wrote inside “Happy 50th! Keep the faith.” I clung to the book and left visitation and returned to my pod. There to greet me were four friends, guys completely opposite of me. They were four young, inner-city black guys who all had earned their GEDs the month before thanks to my tutoring.


We headed into “Trinity’s“ cell. “JR” pulled out two joints – yes, marijuana. I smoked smuggled in weed with four young black guys to celebrate my birthday. I hadn’t smoked marijuana since 1982 with my wife, yet here I was, in a jail cell with my life completely unraveled, smoking weed.


I went back to my cell, head spinning, and opened the Book of Common Prayer. It opened right to Psalm 27, verse 18:


“Wait on the Lord,
Be strong and let your heart take courage,
Yes, wait for the Lord.”


Fast forward to yesterday. I woke up before 5:00 as usual, washed up, did yoga and then began my devotions. My Psalm for the day was 71, a Psalm by an elderly David seeking God’s deliverance. Verse 20, in particular, moved me:


“You have showed me great troubles and adversities, but you will restore my life and bring me up again from the deep places of the earth”.


Then, I read the story in Acts 16 where Paul is imprisoned and “an earthquake struck and the walls fell”.


I went running at noon in 100 degree heat, feeling renewed, invigorated. I was blessed, I thought by this experience.


That evening, I returned from the law library at 8:00 pm to watch “Big Brother” – or so I thought. Instead, Big S and E surprised me with “bowls” (tortillas covered in cheese and then crisped in the microwave. We then fill the bowls with rice, refried beans, and chicken, then top with lettuce and ranch dressing). Then, the guys pulled a whole package of Oreos out.


All these different guys from the building – guys I’ve tutored, guys in my writing class, guys I’ve helped with their cases – came up to wish me “Happy Birthday”.


I lay down last night, stuffed with food and realized just how much I really had to be thankful for.


Friends. Though a great many people abandoned me, I discovered who my real friends are. When you go through something like this you soon find out the “hangers on” and the people who really care for you. They stand with you in the worst of times. These people have done more for me than I can ever repay. They have taught me the real meaning of the word friendship. Then, there are the guys I’ve met along this path. Big S and E are like younger brothers to me. Big S, especially has becomes as close a friend as I’ve ever known.


I’ve figured out that deep down, we all want the same thing. People want to be loved. I always thought my wife was the loving, compassionate person in our relationship. I’ve discovered I, in fact, have a deep capacity to empathize, forgive and love.


My ex has cut off all communication with me. I have been told nothing about my sons. Ironically, I could go to court and compel monthly visitation, but I’d win a battle and lose the war. Instead, I still love her and my sons. I see them with their weaknesses and their failings and love them.


It’s tough loving and forgiving someone who has cursed you, attacked you, hurt you deeply. Yet, it has to be done. Every day I pray for her, our sons, and a whole group of folks who let me down along the way.


I’ve become a better person through this experience. I always thought I was a decent person, helping the community. But, in here I’ve discovered a capacity to help people I never would have given the time of day to. There is something rewarding beyond words when you see a 60 year old man beam with pride because he was finally able to write a letter to his grandchild.


I have never felt as humbled as when the terminally ill, elderly inmate, with tears in his eyes, thanked me for getting him a pardon so he could return home and die surrounded by his family.


Prison has changed me, but not in the way the judge or prosecutor intended. I have found the Godliness in even the worst of men. We were all created in God’s image and no one – I repeat, no one – is beyond redemption or forgiveness. Some may not deserve to be released, but all deserve compassion and mercy.


Before this experience I counted myself as a “good person”. That’s a funny expression and one I heard on more than one occasion from my ex and my mother right before they launched into a venomous, viscous attack on me (I’ve kept a “Top 10 “ list of inspirational quotes from both of them). Here’s the thing – I deserved anger from both of them. I let a good number of people down. But, we’re all prone to failure, all prone to commit wrongs – maybe not $2 million worth, but how about insensitive, hurtful comments we’ve all made? There is just about no “good person” who, when confronted by their indiscretions, their off-putting remarks, their mistakes wouldn’t be embarrassed and humiliated.


Turning 51 in here wasn’t too bad. In fact, it was pretty good. I’ve got my health, my passion to help others, friends, and some amazing family. I have hope each day.


“And suddenly there came a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison house were shaken; and immediately all the doors opened and everyone’s chains were unfastened.”