In many ways, this has been a very good week in here. But, there’s been a great deal on my mind and in my heart concerning my sons and my ex. (Part. I. My sons)
I start each day at 4:30 a.m. with yoga and then 30 minutes of Bible reading and meditation. I am constantly astounded how mornings when I’ve had fitful sleep, when questions and concerns have dogged me the prior day, I turn to my daily lectionary and verses for the day directly relate to my current state.
This week, I’ve had a series of those experiences. Most everyone knows the story of David and Bathsheba. How David took another man’s wife and, upon learning she was pregnant with his child, went to extraordinary lengths to hide his sin, first with lies and deceit then ultimately giving directions to his military officers that led to the husband’s death.
David was confronted by the prophet Nathan and told “God saw what you did”. David falls apart. His sins before God were so great, Psalm 51 was written by David as he poured out his heart to God. God forgave David’s sin. But, as Nathan pointed out, even with forgiveness there are consequences for our wrong doing. David’s family was in turmoil. He suffered numerous losses. Yet, he never lost faith in God.
One such loss had to do with his beloved son, Absalom. Absalom avenged the rape of his sister Tamar at the hands of his half-brother, Amnon. He fled from his father and later, led an open rebellion against him. However, David never stopped loving Absalom. As 2nd Samuel points out numerous times “David wept over Absalom”.
I have two sons, young men who are amazing. We had a wonderful relationship. That all changed the moment I was arrested. I haven’t heard from my oldest son – who graduated college last spring and begins law school any day now – in almost two years. I haven’t heard from my youngest – who just began 8th grade – since Christmas, 2008.
For my sons, news of my arrest was particularly painful. I was “the best dad”. I was “their hero”. I played baseball at night with my youngest, talked politics, philosophy, women with my oldest.
They looked at me as the perfect husband, father, man. They wanted to be like me. Instead, they heard all about the dark secrets I had carried. They rallied around their mom – my ex – which I was so proud to see.
Yet, they couldn’t – they still can’t and ultimately may never – see beyond their anger, their hurt, their disappointment, to come see me, or write me. I realized that as a parent I failed them; not for committing the crime. Yes, that was horrible and wrong and I deserved to be imprisoned for doing what I did.
No, I failed them because I let them think life was black and white and our judgment matters more than our mercy.
This has been a difficult experience for me. My “sins” were played out in public. My crime – stealing $2.1 million from my employer was “news”. Friends – I now know they really weren’t – abandoned and condemned me. My soul-mate, my one true love, couldn’t wait to demand I sign everything over to her and then divorce me (but that’s the subject of Part II). And my sons, my beloved boys, disowned me.
There were times I was angry. Yet, I learned through this to temper my anger. Truth is, nothing my sons do can stop me from loving them. Yes, there were days much like David’s, where I’ve wept over the separation from my sons. Yet, I know God is good. Someday, I have faith my sons will understand, not what I did but what led me down this path. I also have faith that they will see their father as a man, who, in spite of his flaws, loved, forgave, and endured.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
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I'm only halfway through your entries, and I'm still awaiting conviction, but you've managed to speak directly to the part of me that needed to be spoken to. Because of my actions; stupid, selfish, positively unforgivable actions, I've lost everything and everyone I had. Save for, my parents, God bless them. I realize, having been given a brief moment of freedom before incarceration, exactly what I had; could've had, would've had, and should have kept. I've come to terms with going in, yet I haven't been able to come to terms with how it got to this point. I had a beautiful life, a beautiful daughter, a beautiful fiancée, opportunities abound. I threw it all away because I was selfish. I became complacent. I thought I was untouchable. I thought I could get away with the way I was acting forever because nobody actually did anything but tell me I should stop. In my own mind I was invincible. I thought I'd just keep going until I was done, and change when I wanted to. Not the case. My lack of self-respect, my lack of respect for the people who actually cared for, and loved me was profound. Too little, too late I suppose, to feel this way. There are a million more things I could say, or that I'd like to talk about, or that I'd simply like to announce. However, there's a time and a place for everything. My time, and my place to say an do the things that I am saying now was months, maybe years ago. I would like to thank you, however, for giving me a little light during the night. For making me put a little more thought and selflessness into what choices I make after all this. Maybe redemption is possible, for both of us. And out of the darkness, came light. -M
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