Love Lost - May 22, 2010

I was happily married to my soul mate, the only woman I truly ever loved for almost 28 years. I shouldn’t use the words “happily married”. After all, I’m here because I betrayed her trust for 12 years embezzling from the company I worked for. But, I loved her, always have, always will.



I said happy wasn’t the correct word. I thought we were happy. Yet, looking back I know I wanted to feel loved by her and many times I didn’t. I’m not saying she didn’t love me. She just didn’t love me the way I so wanted to be loved. She wasn’t one to kiss me; she didn’t like holding hands. That doesn’t excuse or justify what I did. I just know I expressed to her how much I loved her and would get “I love you too” back.


Our divorce was final about 8 months ago. I haven’t seen her since the week I was arrested – almost 22 months ago. I haven’t seen or heard from my sons in almost the same time period.


There are things I regret and things I don’t. I regret all the pain, hurt, anger and anguish I caused that beautiful woman and my precious sons. I wish – knowing through this experience how strong I really am – I had avoided temptation and not acted in such a self-centered, reckless way.


I don’t regret any moment I spent with her. She made me feel things I didn’t know were possible. I saw beauty and hope and joy every time I looked in her eyes. I only wish I could go back “go back to the time when God and her were born” as Bob Dylan mournfully sang. I wish I could go back and replay every hateful, hurtful thing I did in all the years we were together.


When you’re in here, surrounded by a thousand other men, you find a sense of solitude you never knew existed in the “real world”. You find yourself alone with your thoughts. Memories flood your mind. You try to reconcile all the damage you’ve done while seeking to understand the pain and emptiness in your own heart.


I struggled with losing her. I hurt; I was angry; but, I learned. I learned what love truly meant. Love means accepting a person even when they hurt you, let you down. It means forgiving them. And, love means surviving. If you really love someone you see it through.


I thought I had that with her. I thought the vows we took would carry us through. Funny, but I’m at peace. I can’t judge her for giving up on us. In her mind I gave up on us when I decided to steal.


I’ve learned so much these past 20 months. I’m a better man than I was those years I was stealing. I know what’s most important: love, family, faith. Has it come too late? For she and I, probably.


If I did have the chance to talk to her I’d tell her I’m sorry; I’d tell her how much I love her, that I understand and forgive her for the divorce. I’d tell her I never had a second thought about giving everything to her.


Love means sacrifice. It means giving everything up for those you love. Perhaps someday she’ll remember what it was she felt for me almost 30 years ago.


I remember getting a letter from her shortly after I was arrested. She wrote “I don’t love you anymore”. I was heartbroken when I read that. The love we had – I thought – was unconditional. We were striving to “be one”.


I realized after that we saw love and marriage differently. She hurt me, disappointed me, frustrated me, angered me, but she never heard me utter the words “I don’t love you”.


I found an amazing quote from 17th Century Cardinal de Retz. He wrote:


“The man who can own up to his error is greater than he who merely knows how to avoid making it”.


Each day I try to overcome what I’ve done. Maybe, just maybe, that will make a difference in the future.