And So It Goes

Prison time passes remarkably quickly even though each day feels like a repeat of the previous one. In many ways, you end up feeling just like Bill Murray did in “Groundhog Day”, doing the exact same thing, walking and talking with the exact same guys, same workout routine at the same time with the same guys; on and on, day in and day out it goes. As I’ve written about before, I’ve always been fairly disciplined with my schedule so monotony is something I’m comfortable with.



Even when unique events happen, you realize they’re not that out of the ordinary anyway. This week “Flo” pulled a series 100 stealing charge getting caught in a strip search with an orange from the chow hall. Series 100 charges are serious and this one, the sergeant who wrote it knows, won’t stick because taking food from the chow hall is a series 200 charge for contraband. The sergeant was just ticked off because he knew Flo had been taking stuff out of chow every day he’s been here.


Every morning at breakfast Flo carries two empty squeeze jelly containers which he fills with milk and brings back to make oatmeal and cappuccino. Every lunch, he sneaks back fresh veggies and butter from the common fare tray to add to rice dishes; every evening, fresh fruit for snacking while watching TV.


The sergeant knows he’s doing this, but couldn’t ever catch him in the act. His solution? Wait for him outside of chow the other day and then take him to the watch commander’s office to strip search him.


And Flo’s reaction? You would think he’d admit it, face up to the charge and accept a $6.00 fine (what they offered him when the orange first fell). No, he filed a complaint against the sergeant alleging the strip search constituted “sexual harassment”.


I laughed at the stupidity and arrogance of both men, but truth is, they acted exactly as I’d expect them to. The sergeant overreacting and chest thumping because of his own ineptitude and impotence to control simple pilfering; and Flo, a career criminal who wouldn’t admit he was caught even when the orange fall out from between his cheeks (“How’d that get there? It ain’t mine!”).


There’s Tony and his marital problems. Tony is in here for a long time – until 2026. He is a computer wiz and accomplished jazz musician. He also had sex with a number of his teenage daughter’s girlfriends, photographed the girls and put their photos on a number of websites. The strange thing about Tony is, you meet him and – not knowing his crime – you think “he seems like an OK guy”. Then, you see he’s hardwired into all these teen girl shows and books and you suddenly realize “this guy’s got problems”.


He and his daughter were abnormally close. When he was arrested she tried to take her own life. She got help, was hospitalized, and after three months returned home. So here’s Tony dilemma. His daughter has now been arrested for stealing a car to drive to the mall and meet a boy. She got caught – in the backseat – with the boy and is now on house arrest (ironically, the same prosecutor who handled Tony’s case also handled hers). And the wife? She’s absent most nights bar and bed hopping.


Tony’s furious with his wife’s lack of involvement in their daughter’s life. Yet, it was that lack of involvement that allowed him to get close to his daughter and use her to get to her girlfriends.


E, who spent a week wondering and worrying if he was going to go to the hole, lose his job, his apprenticeship, and college all because he’s been blatantly stealing from the kitchen, decides this week to grab another 10 eggs for me to make a quiche, which, by the way came out perfectly (I made a Ritz cracker crust, tuna, sautéed onions, pepper jack cheese, bacon and broccoli; guys circled around the table when I lifted it out of the plastic pan).


On the one hand, he’s still worried, borderline paranoid, that the investigators will show back up and bust him. Yet, he can’t or won’t realize the shakedown was a wakeup call. He has to get out of the hustler mentality. Everything he does revolves around a scam, a con, a hustle. If he’s not careful, he’ll get out of here and the first twinge of greed that hits him will lead him to try and move some drugs again.


It’s not easy to stop what you’re doing. My arrest for embezzlement wasn’t the first time I “played” with other people’s money. I may understand now why I did it, but that doesn’t excuse it, nor does it make the hurt I brought to my wife and kids any less painful. I was self-centered and short sighted and hurt deeply the three people I love the most. No matter what “issues” existed between my wife and me, she and our kids deserved better from me.


I decided after my arrest that I didn’t want to keep repeating the insanity of the past. I couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe it was my finding my faith and understanding what grace really means. I just know, as most people – COs and inmates alike – will tell you, I’m an honest, truthful, stand up guy. I’ve learned that faith and trust in a power beyond yourself is the only way to break out of the cycle of repeating the same behavior.


It also makes you recognize you’re not always right about things. You’ve got to be a little kinder, a lot more forgiving. I wonder, as I sit in here, whether I’d feel the same way if my wife – instead of divorcing me – had said “I’m deeply hurt and it’s going to be very difficult to put this behind us, but I love you and I know that’s what our marriage means”. Somehow, I think I would have.


Days in prison, just like days outside, go on. One leads to the next. Yet, for me, my days are all new. I may follow the same routine, but I go about it in a whole new way.