Tough Guys

Prison violence is a daily occurrence. Even at a low custody facility like this, fights break out almost daily. I’ve maneuvered my way past physical confrontation throughout my incarceration. Sometimes it’s easier than others.



Shortly after my arrest I ordered a pair of cheap, Velcro sneakers. I had spent the first two weeks of my jail stay wearing “Jackie Chan’s” (the prison name for the cheap shower shoes they hand out to each newly arrived inmate). I had my T-shirt and underwear (ironically, an Italian silk boxer-brief pair my then wife bought me in Las Vegas) which I had to wash out every night. The jail provided no shoes, no underclothing, just ugly, two piece Khaki uniforms (two sets, exchanged at laundry once a week).


My sneakers and underclothes order came in. I put the sneakers on and began walking around the pod day room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young black guy, covered in tattoos approach me. “Nice shoes old head. Give ‘em to me”. I looked at him. He was serious. He wanted my shoes and if I didn’t give them to him, he was prepared to take them. I had never seen the inside of a jail before, but knew I couldn’t give up my “property” without a fight. I understood the unwritten rule of prison life – it’s better to get your ass kicked than give in to a bully. “Can’t have them.” With that I tightened up, got in a good “fighting stance” and clenched my fists. Guys nearby moved away.


Funny things happen in prison. Just as I was contemplating where and how to hit him, the jail psychologist walked by. He saw her out of his peripheral vision, turned to the screen covered window and uttered the greatest “pick up” line of all time – “Heh baby, yo’ look fine.”


Truth was, she was a very attractive mid-thirties blond. She stopped, looked at him and then . . . noticed that he had lowered his pants and began masturbating (known as “gunning” in prison, guys will get caught doing this in front of female CO’s all the time). In less than 30 seconds the pod door opened and four male CO’s came in grabbed “tough guy”, handcuffed him and took him to the “hole” (solitary confinement). He never came back to the pod. My shoes were safe.


Guys will fight over anything in prison. Robbery in some buildings is a real problem. Two or three young “toughs” pull up on you, demand something, then jump you if you refuse. Yet, those very same guys won’t fight alone. Too afraid.


Loudmouth guys threaten to fight every day; yet, you soon learn their words are mere false bravado.


The “old heads”, the guys who’ve done real time, who’ve seen stabbings, and rapes, and murders in prison, will tell you real fights happen without words. There is just an outbreak of fists, combination locks in socks, shanks, then blood.


I my eight months here there’s been one serious fight: 2 gay lovers in a spat which led to each guy being stabbed in the chest with a broken broom handle.


One of my students – a 62 year old – has busted heads twice in the last six months with combination locks (his nickname in his building is ‘master lock’). Two other inmates suffered serious facial bone breaks from punches in separate fights.


But, most fights at this level are over in a few punches and boil down to simply a man’s fear of losing respect. Respect is the most important emotion there is. Over and over you hear guys say:


“I’m a grown ass man!” (which makes me think guys who say that don’t know the first thing about being a real man). Guys avoid fights for the most part because a fight can bring a discipline charge, a loss of good time, a level increase (and transfer to a tougher prison), and – in serious cases – a “street charge” (prosecution in court for assault or attempted murder).


The loudest, most threatening guys, I’ve learned, are really the weakest. They may talk a tough game, but they act out of a sense of fear, a sense of inadequacy.


I’ve also discovered, if push came to shove, I’d be willing to defend myself. Could I hurt someone? I like to think no, but I realize if I felt truly threatened, truly endangered, I could tear someone apart.


Instead, I’ve discovered that non-violence really does work. Psalm 146 speaks clearly about not putting your faith in “princes”, but in the Creator. I know I’ve been brought safely to this place. I have to trust in God over any other power.


I also think about Paul’s admonition in his first letter to Timothy to set an example, in his “speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity, for all those who believe.”


How we react to fear, to disappointment, to anger, depends on our focus. When your hope is in the Lord, you can overcome anything.


The real “tough guys” in here are the ones who don’t fight, act decently, and never lose faith.


I gave up everything to my ex – all our financial wealth accumulated over 28 years. I didn’t battle her for custody or visitation of our youngest son. She then completely cut me off from all contact with her and our son. Every weekend, I write my youngest. Twice a day I pray about her and our two boys.


Most guys think I’m a fool for giving in and still caring. Big S and a friend from home see it differently. They both told me it proved how tough, how courageous, how loving I am. I’m OK with the decisions I made. And, I didn’t have to fight to keep my sneakers!