Days Like These

There are days in here that seem to pass by smoothly. Then, there are days that roll over in a tsunami of stress, prayerful reflection and trying to just hang on. I had a few days like that this week.



It started Monday. Guys had been hitting me up for legal help by the dozens. But, there are only so many hours in the day and, quite frankly, most guys don’t have a case. They’ve either waited too long or they were guilty and no amount of hours from me in the law library will change that.


But success breeds reputation and a week ago one guy for whom I prepared a motion to reopen his case (based on extrinsic fraud) was granted a hearing. Everyone wanted my help.


There’s one guy “TN” who had asked me to prep a Habeas Petition. I told him I would in a few weeks. That led to this exchange in front of my classroom.


TN: Look, either you do my work tonight or I’m wuppin your ass in the bathroom [TN, by the way, is a 6’5” black guy in for attempted murder and armed B&E].


Me: You’re gonna respect the way I do things. I’m helping you, not vice versa.


TN: To the bathroom MoFo.


Me: F--- You! Man up and hit me right here.


The result? TN backed down. In a quieter voice he said “Look man. I’m desperate. I’m beggin’ you. Please help me.”


I’d been threatened before – at receiving - and knew then you can’t back down. When a guy calls you out he’s “frontin” you. He’s looking for a way to save face. It shook me, but I know in here I have to demand respect or things will spiral out of control.


Tuesday night, almost 17 months from her last letter, my ex wrote. The contents of the letter are between us, but it shook me deeply. For almost that entire time I would pray each night for word from her. I knew how I’d react, knew how I’d respond.


When it happened, I did exactly the opposite of what I had meticulously planned. In short, I blew it. I became completely unnerved and reacted incorrectly.


The weird thing was, by the time I went to bed I was back at peace. I lay awake for a few minutes and then recited the 103rd Psalm. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. I had reacted without carefully weighing, thinking and praying.


The next morning, I read the story of Moses killing the Egyptian and then fleeing. In a commentary, the writer noted that Moses reacted impulsively. He failed to trust God. It would later turn out God wasn’t through with Moses. That entire day I thought “How can I undo what I did?” The answer always came back the same: You can only go forward.


Did I blow it? I don’t know. But, I do know God’s involved. He has a plan for my ex, my sons and me. It isn’t going to be what I want; it’ll be what He wants.


I was at work and Ms. H, the teacher I work for in the morning knew I had things weighing me down. She said this to me:


“You give the impression this is easy. You’re smarter than almost anyone here; you’re charming; you have all the teachers fighting over using you in class. Guys all over this place gravitate to you. And you have a blog.”


I tried to explain to her that’s the outside me. Inside I’m lonely, I’m broken.


“People don’t see that on the street. They don’t see the suffering.”


She was right. As Saleem told me, I’m living better in prison than a lot of these guys are outside.


Saleem is an interesting man. He is the leader of the Muslim community. Fifty-eight years old, he’s been locked up 30 years. He owned a business then got greedy. Taking money from his legitimate business, he began running illegal enterprises. He made a ton of cash. It was quick and easy, too easy. One night a deal went bad and he killed a man.


Saleem had never been in a fight his entire life and in one stupid, reckless act he was guilty of capital murder.


He heard me at my worst Tuesday night. Saleem said: “Larry you’re a very good guy. You have a bigger heart than just about anyone I’ve ever met. But, you have to realize, in here you can only do Larry.”


I looked puzzled. “You have no control over the street”, he said. “You can’t make your ex or your kids or the Governor do anything. I see you at 4:00 every morning praying. I believe you’re a man of God. That means, put it in His hands and trust Him.”


I realized that’s how Saleem, DC and Ty do their time, by remembering they have little control in their life. What they do is keep their minds and their faith strong. So I survived. I didn’t handle things the way I wanted, but I made it through. I went to the law library and typed TN’s Habeas Petition and waited for tomorrow.