A Matter of Perspective

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. Christians recognize it as a forty day period of atonement and spiritual renewal. Deprive yourself of something you enjoy, break yourself of a bad habit, focus on God and cleanse your heart. It coincides with the story of Jesus spending forty days in the wilderness being tempted by Satan. It culminates on Easter, when believers remember all things are possible with God.



I was never a big Lent guy before my arrest. Every year on Ash Wednesday my ex would go to a brief church service. She’d bring our sons and the minister would place ashes on their foreheads to symbolize our mortality, our spiritual brokenness, our eventual death. Every year she would give up something she loved (ironically, it was during Lent 2009 she decided to go forward with the divorce).


I never participated. Lent, it seemed to me, was one of those form over substance, ritualistic “churchy” things I didn’t have time for. Then, last year I read a Lenten devotional. I gave up meat for the entire forty days, bean trays only at chow, no microwavable burgers at visitation. I fasted one full day. From evening one day, through an entire day, until the next day’s breakfast. I had nothing but water. At the end of Lent I looked back and realized I had done it, I’d made it without breaking my vow. Still, something was missing. Other than the day I fasted, when I stopped five times during the day and prayed specific prayers I’d written down, it was more an exercise in willpower. I realized I’d missed the big point. Lent is about overcoming self and recognizing as humans without God we are nothing but ashes. We wither and fade away, but the spirit dwells forever.


As my blogs reflected the past few weeks, I’ve been in a very difficult trying period. I allowed the circumstances of my incarceration to overwhelm me. I felt hopelessness about the future. I felt utterly betrayed and abandoned by the woman I’d spent 28 years with, the woman I still deeply love. Many of my friends, even my own sons, had turned away from me, I was tired of beating my head into the wall helping guys in here who didn’t care enough about themselves to change. In short, I just didn’t give a shit about anyone or anything anymore.


That changed this week. I’m not sure exactly why, perhaps its God’s way of answering our prayers in not the manner we expect. The other morning I read from Paul’s letter to the Philippians. Here was Paul, imprisoned and in chains in Rome, facing death alone, abandoned by almost every friend he had, and he writes this beautiful, impassioned letter to the church. Not once in the letter does he complain about his circumstances.


Over and over he reminds believers that God is bigger than any hardship, any trial we face. It’s all a matter of perspective. The more we talk and complain about our circumstances, the worse they look. Eventually, the trial becomes larger than our faith. Paul was reminding the flock the trials of life can’t compare to our loving, powerful God who exercises His might to see us through.


Deuteronomy 8 is an amazing chapter of the Old Testament. In it, Moses reminds the Israelites of their wandering and struggles for the past forty years.


“You shall remember all the ways which the Lord your God has let you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you to know what’s in your heart. . .you are to know in your heart that the Lord your God was disciplining you. . .for your God is bringing you into a good land. . .do not forget God, then you will become proud and will forget God who brought you out, who let you through the great and terrible wilderness.”


I realized I was truly blessed, even in this place. My beautiful wife and sons have been able to go on with life. They are happy, healthy, secure and well-adjusted. I am making a difference in a number of guys’ lives who have never had anyone give a damn about them.


Do I wish things were different? Yes, and every night I pray with a list of “miracles”. But, I discovered inner peace this week. My God is bigger than any difficulty I’m currently facing. Whether it’s the loss of my spouse and kids, or lack of progress on my sentence, He will see me through. Over and over this week I was reminded of that, in devotional readings and conversations with guys in here; I realized there is a good land coming.


Lent this year will be devoted to not giving something up, but rather gaining more perspective.